“My name is not Susan”

The conversation ensued after the fiance returned home from work. At first, I was incredibly fearful of what would be the outcome, but my love is so deep for this man that I knew what steps I had to take in concerning this. The fiance and I have a lot in common, one being that we both were in a former long term relationships where we were cheated on by our partners. That is exactly where the conversation started, and it came out of him before I even had a chance to begin. Apparently he had a lot on his mind as well. His vert first concern (without my even mentioning porn) was that he wouldn’t be enough sexually for me in bed. My mind immediately told me this is exactly why he views porn but I said nothing about my findings and I listened to him intently. He talked about how his ex wife would call him with a lie about how she had to take samples from work over to a laboratory. He knew she was lying because it was just about midnight and there’s a process to taking medical samples over to a lab. They are to be processed by professionals who handle the samples and they are set into special containers; nothing that she was ever trained on or was even capable of handling. Long story short, he knew it was a flat out lie and that it was her excuse to go out and meet with whoever and cheat on him. He said that at some point, he had asked her why she sleeps around, and how is he not enough. Her reply according to him was a sad and pathetic one. She said she’s a nympho. That my friends is a slap in any man’s face. She undoubtedly made him severely insecure.

He went on to discuss how his hours are perfect for me to go cheat myself. I stopped him right there, and then reminded him that I too was cheated on both the only two men I ever had a relationship with before him. I talked about my high school boyfriend who lied as bad as his ex wife and then the abusive ex who did it so often, he didn’t even attempt to hide it any longer. I discussed how it made me felt and how I couldn’t ever possibly do that to him, that it wasn’t in my personality. He continued saying things that his ex wife said or did almost as though he was comparing me to her. In the back of my head, all I could hear was this song on repeat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6qsoP75y4Q (yes Susan was her name) and I felt that I was receiving unfair judgment.

We all do have a past with former lovers. Cheating spouses disable us, and cripple us to a point where we do begin to think it will continue to happen. For me personally, I want to discuss this here in hopes that it helps anyone. I spent roughly 20 years with a very abusive man. I was 16 and he was 24 when that relationship started. As you can see by these ages, I was obviously naive and had no life experience what so ever. I didn’t really understand what I was walking into. I hid the relationship because he told me to, he offered me alcohol and weed for my silence and being a typical teen, I fell for the ruse. He said and did all the right things to coerce me and before I knew it, I was trapped. He wasn’t slow on impregnating me, and throughout that pregnancy, he beat me and slammed me around and when I was in my 9th month … the slam to the cement floor was so hard that it caused placental previa. Yes … he killed an unborn baby inside of my body. This threw me into a post-traumatic grief that grew into full on complex PTSD. There’s so much I don’t remember after losing the baby but before I knew it, he had me pregnant again as a way to trap me to him.

As I struggled with postpartum depression, post traumatic grief, PTSD and god knows what else, I struggled to raise the child. Other babies came after, and he would force me into sex because I am extremely disinterested in him and I had no feelings. I was numb. The fiance asks me now about it, and others do as well and I don’t know how to make them understand what I was going through. My abusive ex killed my soul, he obliterated it without a care in the world. I never got to fully grieve the loss of my first baby because not only was I numb, I was getting my face shoved into feces, beat for talking, smashed into walls, ran off the road, punched repeatedly in the head and chest while driving a vehicle, called names, locked outside in below 0 conditions with nothing but shorts and a t shirt on, punished and locked inside a bathroom for hours with no way of getting out, stranded in the middle of nowhere … there’s more but you get the idea.

While the abusive ex had me locked in the bathroom, he brought a 14 year old girl over and coerced her into sex. I could hear them through the wall, and I could hear the girl saying she didn’t want to do the things he forced her into. I laid on my back on the tub and I kicked at that wall as hard as I could to get out and help the girl. I’d already tried the door, but he had it dead-bolted and had pulled the washing machine in front of it. He had made the door purposely open outward into the hall instead of inward so he could keep me trapped. Some time later, he had another girl in the bed who sounded like she was into it, but some sort of a fight occurred and she ran out of the house. These types of situations continued for years but it grew into his leaving the house and leaving me stranded so that I couldn’t get anywhere. He wouldn’t even allow a phone turned on in the house so I could call someone. The irony of all of this is that if I talked to anyone at all, he would call me obscene names in front of the kids and accuse me of cheating while that is all he did.

From the more extreme situations I mentioned above to his sneaking around town or doing it online, this built some serious long-term issues for me. Recovering from that level of long-term abuse isn’t an overnight feat. When I first fell for my fiance, I didn’t want to have feelings for him. My mind told me that he will just hurt me and what’s the point of even trying. My common sense told me that my fiance is not my abusive ex and it would be unfair to him to cast a shadow of my past over who he is because they are two different people. As logical as I am, the thoughts are still there. Undoubtedly, I don’t like bathroom doors shut behind me nor do I feel comfortable when the fiance uses a computer. It reminds me of my abusive ex going after women and trying to hide it. But, it’s not my fiance’s fault. This is helping me to cope with my fiance categorizing me with his ex wife. I know why he is doing it, but I wonder if he’s anything like me and keeps reminding himself that I am not the women of his past.

Moving forward from cheating is as hard as recovering from abuse. Undeniably, I have a lot on my plate. I go through a plethora of emotions from the abusive stuff to the serious insecurities with the past cheating but somehow I am aware not to react on emotions alone. I come here to you, and I vent and I exhaust it out of my system, sometimes through a sea of tears rolling down my cheeks. But, I will not react on emotions because we need the time to really think the situation through before making any rash decisions. I love the fiance way too much to deny him that respect.

I should end here for now, I have homework to do for my courses.

One thought on ““My name is not Susan””

  1. Your post brought back a number of old memories. My second wife was in an abusive relationship for her first marriage. Not as extreme as your situation but would get punched constantly as well as thrown into walls and verbally abused constantly. She finally was able to get her mindset into leaving the abuser and got a divorce after 20 years of abuse. She had many of the same experiences as you have described and it took her several years to get beyond the situation. Each time the phone would ring she would tense up thinking it might be her ex. Gradually she started separating her current marriage from her prior marriage until she was able to form a guarded relationship with her former husband. Prior to cancer taking her life she could completely relax talking about her former husband and be around him. It can and will happen. It just takes time and someone who really cares.

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