As you read this please keep in mind these where my feelings at the time and they have most likely changed since then as the issues I write about have been resolved or are in the process of such.
Nothing like seeing other subs with their master’s to reinforce that I am un-collared myself. As I wanna be loved like that. I want to be treasured and adored and know without a doubt that I am loved and desired. I want to have someone I can serve and who enjoys my service in all ways and all my little moods that tend to come out. The playful brat the baby girl, the submissive the slave the one who likes to be dominated in every way. The scared girl who can’t bring herself to fully submit but she tries anyway. All of them. But that will likely never happen as the war in my head never stops. As My submissive wants to serve but that other side of me is afraid of getting hurt or dropping severely enough and giving in to the self harm and suicidal thoughts. While aftercare helps it doesn’t always fully stop it. It’s not the dom’s fault as he tries and I always request aftercare and I get it but I still go splat anyway and need more. I don’t know who I’m kidding No one’s going to want a submissive who needs the amount of work and care I need. No one is going to be willing to reassure me twenty millions times that I am worthy that I am wanted and desired and loved nor will they want to listen to me cry while listing all the reasons why I have to live even though they will always be at the top of that list right with my family. That’s why I’m so conflicted on my submission as I feel that no one will really want me as I require to much as a sub.