New Year, new try.

Well, dabbling in the journal world again. I’ve tried many times to journal at home. In a lovely journal, with lovely writing tools and nothing but my thoughts and feelings to put to paper. I start out okay, a journal entry here, another there. Nothing special, just ramblings about my day or how my SO pissed me off. Then I stop. My feelings fester and burn again until the depression starts to rear it’s ugly head, but I can’t bring myself to pick up that journal.

So let’s aim for online. I sit at a computer 5 days a week. I’m sure I can spare 10-15 minutes of that time to get out these feelings that eat me alive. It’s a new year, it’s a new start. I won’t say it’s a resolution as I don’t “do” resolutions.

Last night made me realize that I need an outlet for my feelings. My SO tried, but it isn’t in his personality to understand. He’s had such a brutal upbringing that compassion and understanding is not a part of his genetic makeup. This means I have no one to talk to. Sure, I have friends, but all they want is a shoulder to cry on. Someone to listen to them and be a comforting ear. No opinions, no personal stuff from my end, it’s all about them.

I have this one friend in particular that pushed my patience limit last night and made me realize I need an outlet for myself. I work with this individual and we have forged a bit of a friendship. That friendship has been put to the test a few times due to me expressing my opinion on a topic we were discussing. I thought that is what friends did. Not with this friend. So I have learned that this friend is a no opinion friend. When she discusses something with me I have to watch my personal feelings. This has now extended to comments that could potentially be misconstrued.

Here is the gist. She was dating this guy a few years ago that has 4 kids from 2 previous marriages. He is a good Dad who loves his kids and makes sure he has rights to them. This friend has expressed several times in the past how she does not like kids and does not want to have any herself. She can not handle illness or bodily fluids and even struggles with her niece when she is ill. This is not a woman meant to have kids. She had expressed to me her concerns with his kids. She really liked him and what they had was good, I’m sure more in bed than anything, but the kids made her uneasy. This is where I stupidly offered my opinion. I reminded her about her phobias and her lack of desire to be a mother. As a step mother to three myself, I gave her my personal experience on how tough it can be to take on someone else’s kids, and I wanted a family and to be a mother. We ended up not speaking for at least 3 or 4 months after that. I learned my lesson, no more personal opinions.

Now it has stretched into no comments on anything that has to due to with her ex. Stupid girl that she is, she got involved with someone we both work with. Same guy with the 4 kids. The dated seriously for about a year, of which I only knew about 6 months of and once I knew I kept my opinion to myself. It ended this past summer and the two have struggled to find a balance of friendship. She talks about him often and openly with people. We discuss the struggles they have to stay away from each other, who she thinks he has moved on with and her anxiety about seeing him. They finally made the decision to have zero contact over the Christmas holiday. Both said it was too hard and they had to move on. I got a text on my way home last night from this friend that asked if I could call her when I got home. I have hands free in the car so I dialed then, I have stuff to do when I get home and I didn’t know what kind of conversation this was going to be. She wanted to talk to me about not talking about her ex’s life anymore. What? She says that i say things about him to her and they cause her to fester all day and she needs me to stop doing it. She even brought up a comment from a month ago. She said she needed to let me know so that I stop doing it before she gets angry with me. Um, okay? Here’s how this happened. She went for break with one of the HR girls. Another employee approached the two of them but on said Hi to the HR girl. Very blatant. My friend came back to the office laughing about it and told me the story. I said “oh, you’ve hurt her bestie so now you no longer exist” (this employee is very close friends with her ex, has been for many years). She laughed, said “yeah” and followed it up with, except that aren’t bestie’s anymore. I asked, in bad way or in a more that bestie way. She said in a bad way because she was trying to play both sides of the fence and he had enough. (this fella has a problem dating women he works with. His previous ex that gave him 3 of his kids also used to work with us and many of us are still friends with her.) I said (here’s where I got in trouble) “really? weird. They spent New Years Eve together”. She replied with, I just know they aren’t as close. Conversation, over. Apparently she stewed on this for the remainder of the day. I forgot about it promptly because it didn’t mean anything to me. To be told on the phone that I have to stop doing things like that came as a bit of a surprise. She said that my comment told her that there were pictures on the internet of the two of them together and that it bothered her to know that. I’m still trying to figure out how her insecurities are my problem. She also had the balls to tell me that she knows I am just trying to protect her and remind her of my this guy is no good for her. Uh, nope. Never even crossed my mind. I thught we were gossiping so i added my own. Note to self, no more talking.

It is very frustrating. I shouldn’t have to watch what I say to someone when the topic starts with them. So now I am in a pickle. We have concert tickets together in February. I no longer want to go. I think this is a friendship I need to back away from personally and keep it just to work. The good news is she has mentioned how February she has a concert every Friday and she has implied she regrets agreeing to go with me. So I may make the suggestion, the next time it comes up, that I look for someone else to go with so she doesn’t feel obligated. We will see how that goes and and what type of phone call I get on my way home that day!!

Whew!! Cathartic!! I wanted to tell my SO about it last night but he already can’t stand this person and I didn’t need to hear negativity about the situation. Now I can move on with my day!! This feels great!!




One thought on “New Year, new try.”

  1. We all need outlets and an online journal is the perfect answer. One of the advantages of the online journal over the plain paper journal is that online can be interactive. If you publish your journal in public mode people who read the journal can supply you with their comments. If they have no interest is what you are discussing they just simply do not have to read it. You don’t know the difference so you no longer have to perform this balancing act as to what to say to whom and how much to discuss.
    From what you have said, you have a number of people who are acquaintances and not friends. Your idea of a friend is correct, you have just not found one.
    Acquaintances are important in our lives as well, however, we need some friends as well. I would stop referring to these people as friends and call them what they are, acquaintances.
    You have wants and need just like they do and you need someone you can share those wants and need with. Beyond that, you also need someone who can supply you with their honest opinion. Those are your friends and you should start looking to develop some friends along with your acquaintances.
    Your thinking is in the right place, your journal should help as it will give you the opportunity to let off some steam and if you continue to post in the public mode it will provide you with some feedback.

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