The Verdict.

Today was such a great day… I woke up and it was 30 degrees out but the sun made it the perfect amount of warmth. I was in heaven. I went to the chiropractor, went and looked at new computers and treated myself to a coffee. I came home, brought up the garbage cans, checked the mail and played with the pup. I popped some lunch in the microwave and opened my mail while I waited. I didn’t anticipate anything serious until I read “We have finished reviewing an appeal of our denial of coverage”…My blood pressure rose and my heart sank. Did I want to keep reading? With my level of curiosity, there wasn’t much choice. This decision plays such an imperative role in what happens next for me. My life stopped the day they originally denied this surgery and has been in limbo waiting to see if it is an option or not ever since. And now I know. It’s not. When I asked the doctors what my alternatives were, I was told “Pain management, that’s your only other option”… I didn’t believe them so I continued to go to the gym, I continued seeing every doctor I could find that maybe, just maybe, might be able to help me. So far, they’re all at a loss. I appreciate the initial hope in their voice and the twinkle in their eyes but sadly, more often than not, it is short lived. It has become the norm that after a few months they decide they can’t help me after all. But they tried and that’s all I can ask for. Now, in this moment, I am torn. Part of me wants to be enraged and determined and put on that brave face that sucks it up and says “Okay, well, we just need to find another way to get better then!” And then there’s this part of me that feels like falling apart. The part of me that is exhausted. The part of me that has seen so many doctors and been given up on so many times that I feel like giving up, too. I feel like crying. Surgery was always meant to be a last resort but it was a last resort that multiple doctors was certain would heal my pain and despite my hesitation, it is a comfort I needed to have. Now that comfort is gone and I am not ready to face the fact that this may be my new life, that I may not be fixable… And I’ll be damned if I end up not having a job and on pain meds the rest of my life. Sorry, but I was meant for more than this…

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