1/7/17

I woke up early feeling like utter crap and unable to breath, sore throat ect.. not so fun that was at like 3:45. I finally fell back asleep around 4:30 and woke up again at 5:30 due to the alarm I set so I can eat breakfast and have a cuppa before talking to a friend of mine that lives in the UK who I don’t get enough time with. I had a breakfast smoothie and just went to make coffee and no water..the pipes froze again. FML so now all I can do is wait for them to thaw out. I’ve also been left waiting for Sir T to reply to me. I woke up and messaged him at like 6:15am as he said that he had a gap between clients usually so it’s a good time but nope nothing from him it’s now 7:25am and I’m not happy. I feel like crap this day is kinda going to shit. My high speed net is gone and I’m feeling ignored. As he went away and came back active yet still nothing. I’m starting to think he’s playing me. I am NOT a game I am worth so much more than that. I wonder often if he really wants to be with me and my dom or not. The signals he sends are oh so mixed up for me. But there’s no harm in me trying to sort them out and hanging around as I have no where else to be. As no one else wants me either. But I’m moving forward at Austin as a Girl in Study. I doubt I’ll be going past that but the training will be good for me. I just have a lot of work to do on myself and it looks like I’m alone in it for the most part. I really should try to do Sir Vince’s assignment. I’ll log into SL and see what exactly that is and copy past it into notepad so I can review his instructions as I work on it. It’ll give me something to occupy my mind with.

 

Update 1: Two hours later still nothing. I can’t continue on like this. As much as it breaks my heart I may have to give up on the idea of myself and him being anything but the occasional chat partners and move on to someone who can and will give me the time and attention I need. I can’t exist at the bottom of someone’s priority list and be happy. I need more than this to be able to go anywhere and do anything. I’ve got my training at Austin, at least I hope there is a small chance that I won’t be approved but I’m not to worried. I’ve got other plans and Sir Vince will still help me if all else fails.

Update 2: Sir T where the hell have you been. It’s now 5 hours later and nothing from you. I am not happy. You want me to hand myself over and such to you. Yet you do this. I need consistency and to spend time with you. I do not need to be left wondering where the hell you are or if you’re dead or something. K.  I am trying to be cool about this and such but it’s getting old. As this happens all the time. I feel like I can’t count on you as you’re always somewhere else. Until I am certain I can I can’t give myself to you the way you wish me to. I am so sorry it breaks my heart but I need some sort of constant time I can count on you being there for this to work. If you can’t give me that then we will not go anywhere.

Update 3: 2:15 pm makes 8 hours I’ve waited, and about 4 that I’ve worried. You want to be with me yet you leave me waiting, wondering like this. I can’t continuously do this. I’ve tried to keep busy but thoughts of you keep popping up. Your words  that I trusted that hasn’t been met. We always end up like this. I won’t be getting up at 6am for you anymore if this is how you’re going to leave me. Because knowing you you’ll go to bed and I still won’t know anything really. So I don’t know what to do now.

Update 4: Over nine hours of waiting I’m calmer now. You’ve gone on away status still no reply. It’s late there 9:30pm but still not cool. But I guess it doesn’t matter nor do I. I care for you and enjoy our time together more than you know expeically when I feel like I’m not wasting it away. Perhaps that’s why you don’t want to speak with me long or at all because you feel I waste your time. That’s not my intention, I promise you that. But I try to understand and accept your busy and give you room I try to make progress and be what you want me to be, how you want me to be with you but I feel like I’m failing. I’m just not fill in the blank enough and strangely I’m okay with it, because I’m working on it and making progress.

 

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