1/8/17

Disclamer before you read farther. This is my uncensored emotions today after spending time with Sir T. While this may not place him in the best light. He is truly a wonderful person. I have many issues that I am working on and this largely comes from those. I am also emotionally unstable. That is something I deal with constantly with everyone. I am working on it but it will always be what it is.

We’re back, and all seems well. Well mostly, I have a horrible feeling I said the wrong things as I always do. I have the worst habit of that. I also have the worst habit of comparing anyone I’m currently with to who I’ve been with in the past. They are completely different. I know that yet it doesn’t stop. Nor does my fear of being destroyed again like I was before. I’m so connected to you, Sir. That when I’m with you the emotions are so intense. I feel over joyed yet guilty. As I care for you so yet I can’t give you what I truly want to. As I don’t remember where I put the key when I locked it away. I’m working on picking that lock though and overcoming my fears. You’re helping me greatly in that honestly even if it doesn’t seem like it as you’re showing me that I don’t have anything to fear. Though I do fear my sub drop it’s nasty. I feel so low and worthless during it and it can last for days. Positive self talk helps some but the most help is being with you curled up on your lap or next to you as we talk. *sighs* Drop…okay breath everything’s fine. You have other stuff todo that doesn’t involve me and that’s okay that doesn’t change anything between us. We’re fine,We just spend a couple of hours together. you didn’t say anything about me hurting you. You just said that it was intense and lovely. To intense apparently, maybe we won’t work. I have oh so many issues and they all seem to hurt you. I’m scared of losing you, because I can’t be what you want. I feel so worthless now because I can’t be… Wait I did really good today and you seemed really happy. But then why did you leave me. Oh…it’s dinner time for you..I wish you had said that, or that you needed to be else where instead of leaving me with those words as my mind went to a bad place with them. Which isn’t your fault it’s okay. I got this and I will be talking to you later you said. I trust your word. I miss you already..Gods I’m pathetic. I wish I was stronger less clingy more secure. I’m working on those. I just need to be patient with myself. I will get there, in time and your patient. I’m the one who isn’t. You know I am willing to fight this with you. To fight through my fears and win. So I can give my whole self and feel safe doing it. As I want to meet your needs and desires just as you meet mine. While I may not have daily contact with you it’s okay. I can do with less. I just need to adapt to not spending time with you as often as I would like to as our lives just don’t allow for it right now. But you’re still freaking on SL and I’m not with you that drives me nuts. As you can be there but you won’t even reply to me now or spend any more time with me GRR why the hell do I put up with this shit. I do it because I care for you and I enjoy what we have. I’m used to being with people who aren’t all over the place and spend time with me quite a bit. I need to get better net so we can be together in SL more easily. As I enjoy it so. I am still standing in my skybox just as you left me wearing the collar that has your name on it. The very collar I managed to get back together the other day. I am so happy we’re back to pretty much how we where before. I feel so bad that I need extra aftercare it seems. Perhaps I won’t need it eventually. O.o water so thirsty. Hrm…Self after care..I need to do that now so I can hang on til you get back to me. I got this, I really do. I will be okay I got people to reach out to, But I want you more than them. But I will manage, it won’t be easy never is. But I can do this. I’m strong enough for this. I am super girl. ahaha I still have the suit you bought me. Tucked away in my inventory. Only tried it on once, just because I wanted to see myself in it. But around you I don’t have to be super girl. I can just be myself without having to save the day as that’s your job Daddy. I’m gonna finish my luch and drink this bottle of water and do some thinking. I love you. Not sure if you’re confortable with me saying that but. I feel those words for what they are and it means whatever we want it to mean. As I do love you, I just occasionally feel like that’s not returned to me. Which I know in nonsense. You love me too or is Care for better? I’m not sure but either way. If you didn’t then you wouldn’t be spending time with me. Oh now that I think about it I know why you told me to consider things then left. you don’t want me to feel trapped by your expectations you want me to come up with my answer alone and then tell you. I think I already know my answer, we have a long road ahead of us if we are really going to do this but yes. I will fight along side you, Daddy. I will slay the monsters of my past and stand victorious with you. For I am your baby girl. Just some of them are big and scary and are going to take time to bring down but I know I can do it with you at my side.  Now I really am off for the time being. Love you, Daddy.

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