January 2017. Death.

As always, for the last 4 years, January is always a struggle for me. This January is the 4th year without the father of my children. I am finding it typically more of a struggle this anniversary around because the guy that I have been seeing for the last 11 months is a complete douche bag and I just can’t seem to shake him. I feel as though my girls father would be completely and utterly disappointed in the person whom I have chosen to be in their lives… not that he was really any better to me relationship wise. It seems like since his death I have an expectation from people to be perfect or appear to be perfect at all times.

Their father and I had spent years together (they are 8 & 4)… until he died one month after the baby was born. He was a bipolar, cheating, mentally abusive man… who decided one day it would be a great idea to send me to the gym, the kids off to a sitter… at 830 in the morning. That morning, he used cocaine and died. I haven’t been in a gym since. I am 185 lbs of pure rage toward it all.

It seems like I just attract losers. Losers, losers… everywhere.

Current boyfriend. The douchebag. I have already caught him texting his ex girlfriend, meanwhile the entire time he was accusing me of cheating. He is a controlling and manipulative asshole. Maybe this is why I am having such a hard time shaking him off. He manipulates his way back in every time. When he is around I can feel my stress raising, my nerves weakening, and my anger increasing. His presence makes me want to rip out my eyeballs. However, when he is gone… I find myself wondering what he’s doing and missing his presence. Definitely not a win situation.

2017 needs to be the year that I find purpose and happiness. Starting with getting rid of douchebag.

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