My Sub Drop 1/8/17 Trigger warning self harm urges mentioned

Below is my raw and unedited  thoughts during sub drop. Please do not be alarmed. I will be alright. While self harm is mentioned here. It was not acted upon.

Update: This drop seems to of passed quickly. Thank you to those who chatted me through it.

I’m a horrible person and even worse sub. No one really wants me for anything. I’m not anything but a sex doll or something. I’ve got so many issues and flaws no ones going to ever accept me or want to dom me not really. I don’t see why he would want me unless he just wants a toy to play with then discard. He says he’s focusing on me and my pleasure and he seems to follow through but still. I mean even this is a good reason not to want me. This isn’t anything good and I want to it gone. But I can’t stop it, well I can but it’s not as rewarding when I don’t enter subspace. Whatever it is what it is. But he doesn’t want to put up with it. He stopped replying to me. I’m alone to deal with this again. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through. Will this be the drop that I give in on? I don’t know it might be and that scares me. Dropping like this scares me so bad. I want to hurt myself but I won’t. I deserve to hurt to bleed I was a bad sub that’s why he left so fast ealier. I didn’t do well enough. I couldn’t say what he wanted to hear. Maybe it’s time I gave up, took off the collar I wear that shows what I am and just went and try to find something else to occupy me. That may not get me anywhere but at least I won’t be going through this anymore fighting it alone like I always seem to. I know better than to play, I know what happens yet I fall into this every time. Why do I do this to myself. I always hope it won’t be so bad or it will improve but it never does. I always end up sitting in tears trying to fight off every negative thought that runs through my head and I always do it alone. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of always needing help and interrupting other people in their activities because I can’t get my own shit together.

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