New Year, New Hope

Hope is what keeps our spirits alive. Without hope, there’s not much to live for. I am speaking for myself. I certainly had a good feeling that 2017 will be a good year. However it didn’t last long. On the 8th day, everything came crashing down…one by one. 

I would say that I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I get around it by keeping myself extra busy that I’m left with no time to reflect on my life. I work on my laptop until I could no longer hold my eyes open. I’ve also written journals before, even created my own website to do it in.  But in some ways, it’s really just feeding more loneliness as I see my own heartaches in black and white. From that respect, I’m not sure whether writing helps or if creating a record of it just provides me a means of reliving the negative emotions over and over again.

Nevertheless, I am typing away now because people-in-the-flesh (as opposed to people behind the computer) don’t really care to be around negative people. It feels like you are the society’s outcast if you are unhappy and you have problems. People don’t want to know your shit. So we all pretend to have perfect lives. In my case, I used to be the clown who makes people laugh when I’m hurting so much inside. I don’t even do that anymore. I just act indifferent because I am indifferent to what people think or say about me. I don’t remember the last time I laughed, really laughed. But I remember the last time I cried – now, this morning, yesterday. I just want to cry. Although I just tend to bottle it up because crying will not do anything – it will not change my life, it will not get me what I want. Every second, everyday, I breathe but I am not living. 

 

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