Ok! It is the New Year and it is one of my favorite times of the year. I’m one of the ones that sets goals and gets giddy over a new planner. I was a little slow to start this year, but its not worth beating myself up over … it has been the longest week and the fastest week all at the same time.
One of my goals has been to workout every other day and keep up with a daily morning yoga routine. Slowing things down and watching myself this week has been worthwhile. A lot happens every day. How much of it have I been avoiding? Bypassing? Ignoring? For starters I’ve gained a respect for new endeavors, something I lacked until this week. I hit the gym every day I said I would, but there were days it wasn’t easy. One day I was entering the gym 15 minutes before it closed (who closes a gym at 6pm on a Saturday in January?!) … it took a lot of control and focus to 1) respect the rules of the gym and 2) still get the work out in … I was bumping up against a 7pm casual dinner. However casual, I still wanted to show up showered and ready to socialize. A byproduct of going to the gym every other day is the increase in laundry that needs to be handled. It is currently in a pile sequestered by the laundry basket, but I noticed this pile grow much faster than usual. I’ve already taken to wearing things over again.
So kudos to me for sticking with it this week. Kudos to you for however your first week of the New Year has gone. It is all trial and error. Next week is here for another stab. One down, fifty-one to go. How exciting. New goals are great. They’re even greater when they’re achieved. It gives that on-top-of-the-world feeling. No one talks about the unexpected additional work that comes with doing something new. The awkwardness of fumbling around for the first time. The moments of lost traction trying to choose to stick with the goal – the moments when flaking out is really appealing. The uncomfortable realizations that come with seeing yourself in new light – as great as it is, sometimes we see things we didn’t see before.
There was a breakup this week – thankfully not one of mine. But a dear friend of mine got super brave and broke it off with her boyfriend of five years. It has been a tough week. Our friendship fluctuated quickly and I’m happy to say we are close and on good terms again. Loving another human is dangerous business. It is like looking in the mirror at yourself at times, demanded more, better. Impatience grows, insecurity is screaming – consider taking imperfection, dowsing it with expectation and a dry kindling of non-communication … light a fire under that heap.
I think there are things caught in my throat. Things that need to come out. Sometimes it feels like food doesn’t even want to go down. I’m challenged because I don’t know what needs to be said. Well, that’s a bit of a lie … however, the thing I’m keeping to myself is not the big thing that blocks food in the esophagus. The little thing has to do with this man I’ve been seeing … something needs to be said between us, but I’m not sure what … bizarre-o … watching myself more … feeling my reactions … I wonder and worry about things, but it feels insane. It feels unhealthy. It feels like a me issue. Things I’m ready for, things I’m not ready for, things I’m not ready for but I think I am … lists to be considered. Dating to be sorted out.
I’m sorting out some things from last year still…sorting out my cupboards, even. Things gone missing and rearranged by the man I used to see. When did he rearrange everything? One can on a quiet Tuesday afternoon? How did all the beans get stacked this way? Why is the cornstarch tucked so far back there. It is an analogy for what happens when I’m mindlessly dating someone. These half steps away from how we organize things and how we are to accommodate a relationship or another human being is dangerous. Can you look back on how far away you’ve gotten from yourself, or how unfamiliar your own space has become and be ok with it? Do you pick up vices you thought you were done with? Do you let to do lists go undone? Do you neglect your life? For what? Something you’ve decided is love. I recently learned how love is not enough. I was reminded by my friend’s break up. Why do we think that love should bond two people together? I have friends and family I love but do not invite in as closely as a man I’ve decided I love.
Putting love on a pedestal is dangerous business. Putting people on a pedestal is dangerous business. That crazed state of considering settling versus pushing forward through the hurt and pain of taking care of yourself. The depression that comes along with loneliness, an empty house, denial that this has impacted your life and that your heart died and blackened into a scab of its former vibrant, healthy, beating, joyous form.
Ok. So that’s enough for now. My other goal this year is to write daily. I said for an hour, that might be a bit much. But that’s ok. I’m doing it now.