I just had a revelation.
Reading about trust issues and what I can do with my therapist to fix it. It didn’t dawn on me until I read, “Look in the mirror: it usually stems from something you are doing or considering — especially when it comes to cheating.”
I have been the third, the other, in almost every single “relationship” I’ve ever had since I was 17. There has always been someone else. I have been “Becky with the good hair” since I can remember. The reason why I have no trust right now is because of that. Because I have seen relationships get destroyed because of my involvement with someone’s significant other. I have seen the tumult first hand. I have been involved with someone else’s SO. I have seen things get destroyed before my very eyes to be no more. I can’t tell you how many relationships I have seen divorced, broken up, torn apart because of my involvement. When I was fully woman, I remember all this. This is why I have no faith in any relationship because I have seen needs unmet, disappointments bubble and toil, unfulfilled people collapse into my arms. Distrust was always abound — is this what it meant to be in a relationship with someone else? I didn’t want it then if I knew that someone else was going to be willing to catch the rest of that person due to my own inequities. I’ve seen miscommunications tear people apart. All I have known of love was the sordid parts — not the good.
So now that I’m in media res, this is my constant thought. I even gave an out, telling about how I’m okay with polyamory, but he has staunch views on monogamy. So it wouldn’t make sense then that he would have someone else. But then again, it could be a front.
Remember, Sera… Trust. Facts. Logic. There is no proof. There is no evidence. It’s conjecture. It’s pure conjecture.
That is all. Thanks.