fears

I had someone comment on my entry from yesterday saying I was afraid of falling in love with him.  I had to think on that because i’m  not actually afraid of falling in love with him. I am in love with him and I tell him many times throughout the day. My fear is in actually believing it might be reciprocated. as a soon to be psychology student I tried googling that particular fear. there is a fear of being of love but not a fear of being loved. 

For those of you wondering if I did indeed talk to him. I did the only thing I could. If you’ve ever had a panic attack you know that words don’t come out easy if all. and although I got through typing here going into my email and trying something just had me hyperventilating again. I managed to type the word journal and he knew to check here. 

after I was under control last night I started thinking about the why.  there’s the obvious. in my previous relationship I was a slave. literally nothing else. people would ask him so she’s like your girlfriend but she does everything you ask? and he’d quickly say no she’s my slave.  and although we were together for seven years we never dated. which if you understand the concept of slave would make sense. However he kept telling me he wanted to. thinking back I think I actually hurt him at times with my flippant responses to his wanting more. but never the less and date was set. and canceled. by him mind you. six times this happened until the last one. that’s the night he ended things with me telling me he met someone else.  So instead of a date I never asked for and would never truly admit I wanted so so desperately I got dumped. 

I sat last night thinking about that.  I have been sex. that has been existence for all of my adult life. that’s who I was.  and after meeting this man who has changed my life so completely I admit some days I really hate my last for ending things and putting me here.  however, most days i’m so grateful he let me go to be where I am today.  but where I am today, is still forming. it’s like i’m living in a house where it’s under construction and I have a foundation under me and a roof protecting me but everything else is still being worked on. 

But anyway, I thought about the whole ordeal of him telling me he wanted to date me. me telling him it wasn’t necessary. and basically my resistance from the first moment he brought it up. why did I resist? am I in a cycle of resistance? and with all my thought I can’t come up with anything beyond the fact that I really didn’t feel he wanted to date me. he didn’t want me as his girlfriend.  and in the end I was right.  or did the end happen because I was so resistant?

let’s assume for a minute I could get that answer. I could write him and ask. now, in truth I could but he would never answer it. but lets pretend he did. let’s say for a minute that I was right and replied no he never saw me as anything more than a slave and saw no need to date me. what does that really mean now? absolutely nothing.  it would have no bearing on my life right now. this man, this amazing man has not from the first second seen me as slave. the first thing he saw was a woman. a hurt woman, but a woman. not a slave. and to this day he shows me everyday I am no longer that slave. 

ok now let’s assume he replied that yes he did indeed want it but my resistance made him look for another that didn’t resist. someone that fulfilled more than just his sexual urges. that would throw me for a loop because I know deep down to core of me that he didn’t and being wrong about that would send me into a tailspin.  why? because I did love him. he was the first man in my life I ever really loved completely.  and I knew he only wanted me for sex. I knew it then and I know it now. 

so what does anything of this have to do with where I am now? nothing. and everything.  if I did push him away, am I going to repeat that pattern with this amazing man?  how can I possibly repeat it when nothing is the same? 

every serious relationship I have ever had leading back to that very first high school crush I was the intermediary. I was the fill in. and I got to a point where I somehow managed to tell myself I was happy to be helpful in that.  he used me as a friend and sex partner filling his needs until that one came along. who’s he? my first high school crush, every dominant man in my life. every man I had real feelings for.  every single one while being with me found the girl of his dreams and stayed with the one they left me for.  this isn’t about one man messing me up. This is about a lifetime of being almost good enough to be the one but ending up being just good enough to do until she came along.

that’s where my mentality lies with him.  how do I break that mentality?  how do we break that mentality? because I can honestly say I know i’m not alone in this.  he’s there. he’s ready to show me he’s real. I just have to be ready to accept it.

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