The last few days it has rained, off an on for a while. I’ve been a bit lazy with schoolwork, but I’m improving slowly. It’s almost time for finals, so studying is on the top of my list.
It feels strange thinking I was in Elementary School, what feels like just yesterday, but the years just go by so fast.
My best friend, or childhood friend that I have known for fourteen years, has taken a bad turn. We were neighbors when I was three, so almost fourteen years I have known her. We used to be close, very, but thing’s change and you outgrow your friends, or they outgrow you and move on. We still talk, but ever since a few incidents a few years back where she did something horrible to me, I found a way to forgive her, but deep down there is still this bitter feeling.Over the years, I’ve slowly distanced myself from her, growing apart little by little. We were close for about two years before I distanced myself again once more.
She’s in the hospital right now, after threatening the police with suicide. She seems to use it as a way to get her way. She was busted sneaking out of the house to party with some grown adults who were charged for various other criminal acts. The police were going to take her home, when she told them she wanted to kill herself, so she’s somewhere safe right now.She began drinking and such, missing school, almost being sent to Juvenile hall. It sucks honestly, I just want the best for her. At the same time, deep inside, I absolutely despise her. At the same time, I’m aware she might die one day, and there is this grim feeling around that thought, even if I dislike her a bit deep down. As if I’m not mentally prepared for such an event happening.
I reminisce a lot lately, about her, what we used to do, how she used to be, and such. She’s quick to blame me for her problems, quick to lie if she has to. Many people I have talked to about her, have said she’s spoiled and such. She’s selfish and such. She doesn’t care about anyone, and such. Even if that is all true, I forgive her for it all. I can’t say the bitterness inside me will ever fade completely though. I have to let her go though, or she will drag me down with her, that’s the sad part. She told me she doesn’t want help either, so I can’t even offer something to her to help.
I’ve tried to erase her from my life so many times. I’ve seen so many people die, so many funerals and the bodies in their caskets, that I’m practically numb to the idea of another funeral. Still, I wouldn’t be happy if she were dead, at the same time I wouldn’t have to worry about her.I want to be around her, at the same time, I think she’s better off somewhere where she can’t harm herself anymore.
I could have helped prevent some of what she’s been doing. I never told anyone her secrets, since she might hate me for it and never talk to me again. Not when she began drinking, smoking, cutting, or other risky activities. In a way, I’m selfish, I should have given it my all and told, even if she hated me for it. At the same time, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be believed if I came out with it.Been there, done that.
I’m not too sad about the idea of what type of person she’s turned into, because she isn’t the same person I once knew. Even if she died, she’s been dead to me for so long. The person I knew is no longer there, she’s dead. It feels like she’s dead and I’m in mourning, even-though she’s alive.