Yesterday I was internally screaming inside because of all of the sudden crushing stress that had fallen down upon me, including an English essay that I couldn’t get the headers right for, a physics lab, q physics quiz to prep for, a computer program that I hadn’t finished……….
Tomorrow I have a physics free-response but I’m not going to stress TOO MUCH about it because we have 60+% corrections, so theoretically if I made like ten points, I could still correct it and get a passing grade, not that THAT would be good (I would cry) but just saying.
I also have a special angles timed quiz in precal tomorrow.
I’m not going to stress about how badly I did on the physics quiz today because I try not to stress about things that I can’t change because I can’t afford to do that and end up having yet more existential crises.
Anyway, I just got upset because my mom disapproves of what I want to major in (translation and interpretation) because she says it won’t get me a scholarship or whatever the fuck she’s worried about. What the fuck else would I major in? Accounting? What? Or is she just that sure that I’ll have to go back to FUCKING CHINA for college, god fuck it, I swore I wouldn’t let myself live there for more than a few visit-weeks after I left. I fucking hate living there so much. There is nothing for me there. My friends are forgetting or have forgotten me already; I have bad memories there. No.
Today my computer programs both worked out thank God. Also, the English essay was turned in so I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
Some things they just work out. Some things they just don’t.
I hope my college choice and ideal major thing work out. I hope my PSAT scholarship dream can come true. I hope my desperate wish to stay in the US for college will come true. I hope they work out for me.
I do try so hard. What if it’s not enough?
And don’t fucking patronize me by saying that I’m overreacting when I say I’d rather kill myself than have to face the shame and disappointment of going back to China for college. You have no idea what I’ve been through in that country, what I’ve hated about it.
Some things, I just really want to know if they’ll work out or not.