I’ve made a real mess of my life. I’m just one person out of so many trying to make it to the next day. I’m the brave, perfect face but underneath I’m busting at the seams…crumbling in complete spiraling despair.
I’m in a dark place.
Most days I rage a mental war against myself trying to fight the extreme need to welcome death. I long for death, so that I might finally have peace. I only want to rest now and forever…to slip into the forgotten.
They say it’s wrong to wish for death. One who commits suicide only hands the pain over to those who survive the departed.
I have given and loved so much in life. I find it completely impossible to be mean spirited toward anyone. With that said, it is the only thing saving me right now.
If I could ever lose sight of how my death would effect certain people, then I could be free and rid myself of this painful “living prison” I call my life.
I am not looking for pity and I make no excuses. I’m merely a natural born pessimist who is unlucky in life.
I feel as though some people are naturally positive; whereas, others are naturally negative. I was raised negatively; therefore, I know not of any other way to be. A person cannot bend the heart sideways.
Most days I wish to not have my heart. I wish it to be cold & dead…a decaying gizzard completely incapable of feeling.
The pain I feel in my heart everyday is more than I can withstand just being me. I want the pain to stop more than anything that could be given to me in this world.
Every relationship I’ve ever had has caused me the utmost of pain. I can’t go without saying that I have lived the most sheltered and reclusive life. So, I’ve not had many people in my life from start to finish.
The people in my life have been the most hurtful, selfish users. I have been there for them when they would not for me. I have wiped the tears off their faces when they have caused mine…all the while I never asked for anything. Not even once have I asked for a single thing. I only wanted them to love me.
I’ve been depressed & suicidal my whole life…starving myself because it’s the only thing I could ever control.
Everybody: “She lives the perfect life.”
*I don’t. I have secrets.
Everybody: “She’s so good; she doesn’t do drugs or cuss.”
*I’m not perfect; I want to die.
Everybody: “She’s so sweet & loving, she’s so pretty!” & “You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met.”
*I love people so much it hurts. They only care for themselves and don’t care how they treat others. Also, looks mean absolutely nothing in life.
*I don’t want to love people anymore. I want to be completely alone in life.
Everybody: “Ask ‘sixpenny’ she’ll do it. She’s always there if you need her.”
*Just leave me alone. You only come to me when you need me to fix it. You don’t “see” me. You only wish to use me. I’m a person with feelings. I love you.
I just want one person to love me. My mother died just before I turned 13. My father never wanted me. I was verbally and physically abused as a child. My father’s friend sexually abused me for 4 years…”4 long years”.
I’m just like the next person. I just want love. Love from just one person who would truly love me.
Isn’t my self loathing selfish in itself? I’m no better than the next. At the same time, these demons are mine. How am I to right the wrongs in my life…the self loathing suicidal thoughts running rampant in my head? Life is too callus to fix and everything is endlessly wrong.
I’m just the quiet, awkward, pretty girl in the corner who looks like she should have it all…more like damaged goods. In reality, I have absolutely nothing. I’m just eye candy with a hollow center.
Good night journal 😴💤🌙