I ain’t sorry

I feel like I’ve failed everyone: my son, spiritual teacher, parents, boss, even myself. My anxiety got so bad today that I was considering to give up completely. Long time ago I read a blog post by James Altucher where he talked about the time when he wanted to kill himself and that one of the things that stopped him was that he didn’t find a painless way to do it and lastly that he didn’t really want to die, he wanted the pain to go away. No one wants to die, ever, sometimes we just want the pain to go away because it seems to be unbearable, but we just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to do it, I don’t even feel now like something is going to get better, because I feel like a failure, same feeling that I’ve been having for weeks now. Despair.

These words were stuck in my head for so long, grateful that I’ve found a place to let my mind speak, because sometimes it just won’t stop talking, maybe it will now at least for a little bit.

Мне кажется, что я всех подвела: моего сына, духовного наставника, родителей, себя. Пока так. 

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