Courage

Coming home for vacation was the best thing that ever happened to me. I get to see my parents – who loved me and accepted me when I was at my worst and most of all, I could relax. I remember a week ago, it seems like a lifetime, when I took the decision to reach out to him for the last time. It was a do or die thing. I was willing to risk the pain of his silence. But that early morning on the day for my flight home, I got a message and a call from him. He was actually outside my flat for almost an hour. I cannot explain how I felt. I kept thinking if it was just a dream or really happening. I didn’t think twice getting out of my bed and in just my sleep clothes I went out to the hallway. I opened the door and there he was, standing and looking at me with a smile on his face. I couldn’t remember much what happened next. All I remember is the feeling when he suddenly drew me to his embrace. It felt like all those 3 months of crying and crying over him melted away in that moment. I knew I cried while I was laughing and looking at him. Touching his face and looking into his eyes. Smelling his scent which I missed so much.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings or what purpose this would be for us in both our lives. All I know, is that the feelings I had all those time when he was away will be remembered. All that suffering, that missing, that wishing, that anguish and emptiness will be remembered. It made me realize sometimes you would never know what happens tomorrow or that you never know how long both of you last. Relationships are fragile. And love is always a risk that people are willing to take even if it takes everything in them. Even if they lose everything.

What happened doesn’t make me feel secured in my relationship with him. Somehow it made me question my full trust, if I was putting it to the right one.

Makes me question myself if I was enough. 

If I was worth the fight.

If I was worth slaying demons for. 

If I would ever be deserving of a love and devotion so true.

I would never know, I guess.

But what I discovered in myself was that, for the first time, I found someone I would fight for. Is he deserving or not? People would say not. But I still choose to the reach out to him. I still chose to continue loving him all those times I was hurting. He made me see things of myself I never knew existed. He made me realize I could take a leap of faith. 

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