YOU DON’T KNOW

I know people think…that they are invincible…but you are not.   You are not promised that you will wake up tomorrow…or even the next second of your life.

  So what are we suppose to do?

  Live like we don’t care?

  And just do whatever you want to do…no matter who or what it hurts????

 Continue the way we are? Holding your feelings inside where no one really ever gets to know who you are?

   I just experienced a stroke brought on by a a-fib reaction of my heart…a condition…that the doctors should have caught a long time ago.    But they didn’t….

   I guess it was just as much my fault as theirs…I didn’t make a big deal out of the fact that I was having a “irregular beating of my heart”…I knew that I would have trouble with my heart…I just thought it would come much later in my life???    Because of my premature birth…the arteries and blood vessels did not develop properly to my heart…then I thought that when they replaced the 2 arteries…I would have at least 20 years (if I took care of myself) before I would have another episode…I only made it 8 years…GOD…did HIS part…HE brought me through it without any side effects…and again I give GOD ALL THE GLORY AND HONOR for my unusual recovery.  They have the situation right there in front of them…and they (doctor’s) know what is suppose to happen next????    But against their training and knowledge…and all the experience they think they have….GOD shows up and shows out…LOL…and lets them know that they are not the ultimate power…when it comes to one of his children…

….and I got to tell you…sometimes the looks on their faces and the scraching of their chins…and confused looks on their faces…when I tell them that I just surrendered myself into the hands of the “HOLY GHOST”  and let HIM take control…it is  priceless….they either think I have lost my mind…or they have to review the results…and believe….some order more tests thinking their fist diagnosis wasn’t correct????  but it was….HE (GOD) orchestras all that is done…when and where and how…even by whom.

     I know not everyone looks at life like I do…and that is their choices….but this works for me…and has for my whole life span…and it (life) may not always be the way I would like it to be…and things happen…that I dont’ agree with…or may make me very unhappy…and sad…and I may grumble…complain…and even throw a hissy fit…now and then…

    But when all is said and done…the bottom line for me is Father/Jesus(son)/and the HOLY GHOST…PERIOD…(drop mic, and walk away)…no compromise…

   Now to address another thing I seem to struggling with in my heart.

    I have questioned myself time and time again… “do you really love that man?”  and after all this time…I can honestly say that my answer is “YES”  (in spite of the circumstance)…I adore him…he makes me happy…I didn’t realize that until this last time I saw him…after what happened to me sunday night…and all that I went through…when I seen him…I honestly felt happiness…for the first time in a while.   So do I truly love him???

  I am pretty sure I do.   He is the one for me…LOL…but he may not think the same…cause he doesn’t know I am crazy about him.

   I know that is crazy…but I have prayed and prayed and prayed…about this situation…

…because lets face it…I don’t want to do anything to disobey GOD.

    And what THE HOLY GHOST  has said on the subject….is:   to love him is not a sin…as long as he unmarried….according to the WORD…the only problem I run into…is the fact that he is a non-believer…but then I don’t really know him well enough to make that assessment ????  And yes it could make some people…really really angry….and yes we would be subject to ridicule and a butt load of stupid questions…so I keep it to myself…that way he won’t have to answer any questions or be made fun of…but none the less…I feel these feelings without judgment…without question…his heart…is what I love…not his body…or face…or what he is…or was…or will ever be.   Just his heart…is all I want from him…and I promise I won’t hurt it….but again…he doesn’t know that…and probably never will…but I guess it is okay…Not really…I want to tell him…OH BOY!!! how I would love to tell him…

….but I am afraid….he won’t love me back…and nothing hurt worse to love someone with all of your heart…and them not love you back the same….been there done that…pretty shaky about taking another leap…even if it is secret.   I try to talk myself out of these feelings…but then I just get angry…then I try to pretend he isn’t the one…then I just get stupid…and do things that aren’t me…and I end up hurting other people…and I don’t want to do that anymore.   When I got home from the hospital…Wed. and my message board was full on FB…I realized I really didn’t want to hear from anyone else but him.   And when I finally did see him…I was shocked…by how I felt…and then I knew.   So now I just have to accept it and live my life.

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