it might be enough

next week we’re going to decide which classes we’re going to take next year, senior year.

i only need 4.5 more credits to graduate after i earn all of the credits for this semester, second semester of junior year.

i’ll take ap english, probably ap physics 2, ap calculus bc, one semester each of either honors or ap government + economics, and three electives, or two electives and one more social studies/science credit. ap psych is a good class, i’ve wanted to take it; my friend p told me that ap anatomy is fun, too.

full schedule next year, even though i could have one free period at the end of the day and go home early. i don’t want that though. free periods are a waste of time. i need to collect as many credits as possible, so i can graduate with as many performance acknowledgements, honors, awards, or good rankings/test scores as possible.

we got our transcripts from last semester today, to help us know where we’re currently at. i have a gpa of 4.58 something something, and i rank 5 out of 430+ students. top ten percent. if i keep my grades up, maybe it will be enough.

i need a scholarship. i need a final ranking in the top ten percent. and i need as many qualifying ap scores as i can get, and i need to keep a four point something gpa and i need service hours, and i need some form of extracurricular activity and i need to get my poetry published somewhere and i need some sort of certificate proving my bilingualism.

i hate how some of the people around me actually have the fucking nerve to say things like “grades aren’t important” or “college isn’t the most important thing” or “it doesn’t matter”. of course it fucking matters. it does. are you going to get into college with a full scholarship with mediocre grades? no. stop fucking telling me not to stress out because stressing out is the whole fucking point of being in school: you work hard and you push yourself and you stress out and you might make it and feel like you’ve accomplished something. it wouldn’t be worth it if you weren’t tired.

the people i’ve been around–they worked hard. they worked hard all the damn time because they knew that if they didn’t the competition would swamp them and they’d drown and they’d be nothing. i spent my later childhood and my early teens around classmates who pushed themselves because it was the only thing they could do to rise above, to breathe easier. and we never had to say it out loud because we all knew, sitting shoulder to shoulder, fifty to a class, that if we didn’t have good looks or special talents or rich parents then the only way for us was school. school and more school.

i don’t have good looks, special talents, or rich parents. the only way for me is school. don’t tell me it doesn’t matter in the long run; everything matters in the long run. i actually have to hear all kinds of this “grades aren’t everything” bullshit with my own ears.

of course it’s either school or work. and seeing as i don’t particularly want to work just yet and i want to have the potential to find work that pays a bit better, of course the only thing i can do is get an education.

none of this would be worth it if you didn’t feel dead tired at the end of the day. nothing would be worth it if you didn’t have to fight, rip your nails up, for it. exhaustion is good for you.

of course i could get into college with average grades, and take out enough student loans for my grandchildren to return. of course i could ask my parents for money. but then again, no, i couldn’t. i have no excuse to ask my parents to pay for my education. you never have any excuse for that crap. they worked their youth away for me, my siblings–how could i burden them just because i didn’t want to work as hard? it’s either the scholarship or i’m getting a job. money, money. if they don’t have the money for my education, then i’ll earn it myself, either by getting amazing grades, or working and being productive.

if i keep my grades at this level–keep my gpa this high, my rank this high–and if i get an acceptable (1500+/1600) on the SAT, maybe it will be enough. good college and a scholarship, and, later, a job.

maybe if i brace myself, hold myself up and don’t fall, keep these numbers up, it will be enough for me and the education that everyone i used to know would give up sleep to earn.

2 thoughts on “it might be enough”

  1. I love your attitude! Let me know if you decide to go into science – I would be happy to have you in my group. 😉

  2. @firelily– thank you! I probably won’t do anything involved with science, though, because I’m so terrible at it–I’m more of a language arts/humanities sort of person. But thank you for thinking so highly of me.

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