dealing with depression, anxiety, self harm so far

I know that only recently I started receiving help from professionals after finally confessing to someone I’m suicidal after three years. I know that the main reason I did not attempt was because of my love and responsibilities for my little brothers, and that they would be completely lost without me. It makes me sad thinking of them sad, so I do my best to keep everyone else including them happy.

Anyway, this event happened exactly 11 days ago, but I only told my parents after blurting it all out to them in an argument. I had not eaten for two days due to a social phobia I’ve developed and I became self concious about eating in front of others. Waking up late in the mornings meant no time for breakfast and the stress of revision caused me to skip dinner time. So I was surviving on just water in my system. My bladder literally gave way in the middle of a drama class when everyone was stood up in a circle and I was in a skirt. Everyone could see and hear it happen, and it was also very painful as well as embarrassing. I knew I had a panic attack from it but I just remember being hunched over the floor in pain and humiliation, crying and refusing to get up. By the time I was convinced to get up, I ended up running out and hiding in the a toilet cubicle for an hour and a half, too afraid to leave and that I stank. I ended up cutting my stomach with a compass in my bag also. Eventually, I went out to find my form tutor because he’s the only teacher kind to me, but it turns out my teacher was already there looking for me. They sent me to the nurses office, where I was cleaned and plastered up. They tried giving me biscuits as they knew I didn’t eat but I refused. They called my parents but didn’t really explain the situation, so my parents picked me up thinking I was only upset. 

In the car, my dad screamed at me because he thought I was being dramatic, but then I ended up crying and blurting out everything. My dad’s autistic so he doesn’t quite get emotions but I knew he was embarrassed so he didn’t say anything the rest of the way home. He hasn’t even apologised yet.

My mum is lovely, and listens even though I don’t tell her everything as I know she’ll be upset and worry, so I always pretend it’s just usual teenage stress and that I’m improving. I am not. She booked me a doctors appointment who prescribed me anti-depressants and booked me in for counselling. However, a few days later, I received a letter saying they did not think I was fucked up enough to receive their help (as I spoke to the doctor in private so my mum is still unaware of the full picture), despite the fact I am cutting my throat. So mum decided that I should definitely have the anti-depressants. 10mg of citalopram a day. She tried having a mature group discussion about it with my dad who literally blew us off and didn’t even want to come in the room. Then she fully understood why I don’t talk to him about things.

I know my dad is embarrassed his daughter is struggling with her mental health, and he feels it’s his fault but I don’t see how belittling me and treating me like shit is going to make him feel better. I also know he’s embarrassed because it’s a genetic factor (anxiety, paranoia, schizophrenia mostly) and him along with most of his family members refused help. Those who did went even crazier but I suppose medicine wasn’t so great 40+ years ago. So I know he sees a reflection of himself when he looks at me. He can’t accept how treatment has changed and that I haven’t and I’m still me. It hurts how he views me different. 

Getting this off my chest certainly helped. 

The people at school did not mock me to my face about it, maybe because my teacher could have made them swear not to tell anyone and the kids in my class are okay. My friends knew I was sent home but not the reason – but thank GOD they don’t know the full story. I just told them I had stomach pains and was sick. I have told no-one else. I still worry people talk about it behind my back. 

~ S

2 thoughts on “dealing with depression, anxiety, self harm so far”

  1. Hi love,

    reading you has touched my heart, I totally understand the way you are feeling, I am glad you are looking after your little brothers, that is brave of you! I just wanted to tell you that if you find something you love (reading, nature, animals, making other people feel good,..) you will expand your mind, you will find little drops of joy, happiness is hidden behind gratitude. I found my joy in music and now feel like a complete different person.. if you ever need to talk please contact me!

    love, Samanta

  2. I am speaking from experience I know how hard it can be to be in the position you find yourself, it is going to be hard but stick with your counciling and medication. I went to a mental health facility when I was in high school and honestly I was terrified. I was scared of the medication and opening up to them but it was the best for me. I’ve been out of school for 4 years now and even though the mental issues never go away I know seeking help was best and it is best for you. I hope you are able to resolve some issues and for anything that you can’t you are able to find a medication with little or no side effects.

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