I keep having off dreams lately. I usually remember my dreams as soon as I wake up.. Sometimes I can fall back asleep and continue my dream.. I dream every time I sleep. Nap or deep sleep. I love my dreams.
The other night, there was a scene in my dream that made me uncomfortable. For some off reason, my SO ex was in my dream and her now boyfriend. It was just a weird awkward uncomfortable situation in my dream. Then towards the end my SO and I started clashing and I started freaking out thinking he would go to her for comfort.. Wah.
Once I woke up, I tried to brush it off. I think she was in my dream because before bed SO and I were talking about Facebook and I was looking at his profile and a few months ago – he was tagged in a “shared” picture from years ago. She was also in it. But since that was right before bed.. I think that’s why she was in my dream.
Well last night I had another awkward uncomfortable dream scene. It was a semi real normal dream too. Those dreams where you wake up for a split second and question if it really happened or not..
Anyway.. In the dream, we were watching TV on a couch. I fell asleep but he stayed awake. I’m a sound sleeper. I can fall asleep anywhere, lights, sound, I don’t care. Right okay.. So in my dream, the next morning when I woke up, we were talking and he shows me pictures from the night before. He was drinking with these 2 other people. I was like “I don’t remember this?” and he told me I was sleeping and he didn’t want to wake me. Okay. I didn’t like it since in my dream we were not at home – we were visiting some place. So of course I wouldn’t want to sleep on a vacation. I was upset but let it go. Then we go to breakfast and were all cuddly and acting like a couple. The 2 people he was with the night before come and the girl makes a rude comment and says, “Oh are you 2 together? When did this happen.. This morning?” Idk, odd thing to say, right? So it made me get weirded out and felt like I was cheated on.
Not a good feeling. I woke up from that and used the restroom, brushed my teeth and tried to go back to bed. I couldn’t shake it though.
I think that’s why I’m having an off day.
He seemed off at first when we woke up, no first morning kiss. He just looked at me and got up to use the restroom.
Later, I saw he broke his Call of Duty game. He said he was over it. Took up too much time and consumed him. He needs to be done playing. It upset me because with everything that happened between us… He said he needed the adrenaline in his life. Video games gave him that. He had stopped playing for a few months and said thats why he did what he did. It’s his excuse but still… Then he said when he was playing his other Snake game on his phone, that gave him adrenaline as well. But now he “broke it”. Now I’m uncomfortable. I feel like if I’m not giving him 100% attention, it’s “my fault”. But that’s not fair because I need to focus on me too. He’s just made me feel so insecure lately..
Ugh, I hate feeling this way. It’s been almost 2 1/2 years. The trust is gone. It got broken (again).. But I’m trying to forgive him. I just think.. He think’s I’ve forgiven him already. I feel like he forgets it even happened.
But I think about it. Every. Single. Day. 🙁
I’m sad now.. I don’t feel like writing anymore.