Luxury

As a growing teenage boy I’ve never really had the luxury to do much. I was always that shy kid no one really understood or known about. I was an alien. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it. My mother told me when I was born that I had the smallest head she had ever seen, being a premature baby – that was expected of course, but she often joked about calling me an alien due to the fact that she could fit my tiny body in the palms of her hands. To this day, I still feel like an alien. I feel like no one really understands me and I feel so lonely despite the precious friends I already have. I always want more and I don’t know what it is and everytime I get close to satisfying it, it decimates and the hunger just grows and grows… its like I don’t even know what I want, like nothing will every satisfy me. Am I greedy? Am I greedy to want to have a friend to talk with at late nights, eat pizza with and chill and play video games with?

You see…I’ve never really had the luxury to do that. Am I greedy to want to have a group of friends I can confide in? Friends that will look up to me and see me as prospective leader, someone they can trust and want to be with… I don’t have any qualities like that. If anything, I’m still a baby – inexperienced. I’ve not done many things other teenagers have and I just basically feel left out. Excluded. I want to feel needed and special.

By the way…did I mention..that I’ve never had the luxury to…

2 thoughts on “Luxury”

  1. You’re not greedy–not that. And you’re not weird. I feel the same way you do. You know, it’s weird how similar you seem to me, thinking this way: wanting friends, wanting to have the sort of personality that attracts friends, to have the chance to do all those things the media thinks teenagers are “supposed” to do.

    But you’re a teenager. It’s okay if you don’t know what you want, if you feel that almost starving desperation to get things together……. to belong. It doesn’t feel okay, of course, it’s so lonely, but like I said, you’re not greedy for not feeling satisfied. If anything, that’s a good thing: it means you are aware that you want more.

    I hope you keep writing. It’s a good way to express yourself.
    Have a good week.

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