but of course it never will be

i thought i was going to put myself together over this three-day weekend, but i have done literally nothing but sleep too much and listen to music.

i sleep too much sometimes. i’m always tired. so tired. i can feel myself falling asleep just sitting down somewhere. it’s so stupid–i’m restless and i walk around, looking for things to do, when i know that what i should be doing is on my desk, or in my backpack, in my folders–i’m hungry, and i’ll wander into the kitchen, thinking that i want to eat something, but then i’ll look at it in the refrigerator or the cabinet and it won’t seem appetizing at all. i won’t be hungry anymore, looking at food, sometimes.

i have so much to do–i can list it all off the top of my head–but somehow below all that, i feel like there’s something vital that i’m missing………i’m missing something very important, and i don’t know what it is.

i can’t decide which classes i’m going to take. fuck it, i still can’t decide. the only ones i’m sure of are ap english iv and ap calculus bc. everything else………..god fuck it, i can’t decide which science i want, which electives i want, how i’m supposed to fill out all those forms without fucking them up, who i’ll ask to see if i can take an extra social studies credit (ap psych) when i’m already going to be taking ap or honors government and economics. i don’t know if they’re going to be ap or honors yet. i want to place out of the college credits so badly, and i want those performance acknowledgements for passing ap tests, but i don’t know if i can deal with that much pressure in a single year or if i’ll end up killing myself.

 

of course i’m not happy. i’m happy the way i’m happy when i get good grades, because that’s always been the priority for me, but i’m not happy the way i used to be happy being around people–which is stupid, because i wish it wouldn’t affect me. it bothers me how often i’m sad, how happiness seems to be temporary and the exception.

i’ve always been a “blue” person, a “negative” and “emotional” person. was i just born with a sad personality? am i just weak? too weak to even be happy.

 

it’s getting worse. i can feel it. it wasn’t always this bad for me. it used to be better–at least a little bit. sometimes it’s so bad now that it feels like i’m losing myself, like i’m pushing back against something but my arms are so tired that the other thing is winning.

 

i feel like no one is ever going to love me like this, fuck, i don’t even love myself.

 

you’re supposed to tell someone when you’re depressed, when you’re thinking of death. i never have. it happened once and i promised myself i wouldn’t do it again, because i ended up getting slapped. today i read all those tumblr posts about how you should never feel ashamed to seek help when you’re feeling bad, because you don’t need to be a certain level of sad to be in need of help. well, guess what, tumblr? not everyone has the money or the time or the familial support to seek professional help with their stupid problems that no one thinks exist. it doesn’t matter anyway. as long as i have the grades, mental health can hang for a while. i wish i could mean that, though–as in, just stop caring about how i feel. i don’t want how i feel to affect my education, my life. that would be such a fucking waste.

 

i feel alone, though. all the time. sometimes i forget how it feels to be alone when i’m at school and i’m with people i like, but it comes back when i’m with other people, listening to them talk and be happy. i’m quite selfish, and i want people to need me like i’ve always needed my friends. it’s like a weird desire for my strong attachment to them to be reciprocated. it bothers me how much i want to be friends with everyone when it really shouldn’t matter.

 

my personality sucks. i strongly suspect that there’s something wrong with me–ordinary people aren’t supposed to think of dying as their plan b to everything, right? i wouldn’t know, never asked. it’s either depression or anxiety–or it’s both. sad, tired, unmotivated all the fucking time, and then simultaneously anxious, terrified of failure, desperate.

anxiety and priorities always win out over depression–or whatever the heck it is–though. they always do. they’re stronger than apathy and lethargy.

 

i am a walking paradox of insecurities. i want so much all at once–i want those grades and credits and performance acknowledgements, and i want friends, and i want a shiny new personality to better attract said friends, and i want to magically develop muscular coordination, and i want to be pretty, and i want to get rid of my social anxiety and awkwardness, and i want to be happy. too much, all at once.

 

the worst thing is wondering if i’m only feeling this way because i’m somehow…….making things up to draw attention to myself. of course i’m not–i can’t be–i can’t just “force” myself into being sad–but after you hear it too much you think it’s true. what if it’s true? what if i’m just an attention-seeking little bitch with a personality disorder. but then what if i really am mentally unhealthy and the depression is going to get to me someday? what then? do i seek help? would anyone even believe that i’ve wanted to kill myself over things that are as trivial to everyone else as test scores? sometimes, reading back on old journals, i am ashamed and surprised at how devastated i sound about the stupidest things. what if i’m just crazy? not normal somehow–oh god. fuck. either way, i’m fucked. this is why i don’t have any friends–i’m psycho and emotionally unstable and awkward and i constantly feel ugly, unlikable, and stupid.

 

of course getting good grades was never going to be enough to magically cure me. of course not. should’ve known. i guess it’s a start, though. i should think more about those classes and make up my mind about the physics or anatomy thing, and the electives i want. gotta catch them all–credits, i mean.

 

i should stop writing these on public journals. they probably make other people depressed. sending bad vibes out into the universe. i should stop.

2 thoughts on “but of course it never will be”

  1. I can totally relate bud. Don’t stop writing though. its a good way to vent. I wish I could afford seeking help about my bullshit problems too. I guess this will have to do.

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