I cant explain why I am the way I am

First post..here it goes…

I dont really know how to start this because I have never really written much ever. My creative writing skills are slim to none and I have shitty grammar so please bare with me. Im a 30 year old male with a lot of baggage. If you see me on the streets you would think I have my shit together but that is far from the truth. Its hard to talk to people so i’m using this as a venting platform i guess. I honestly don’t know where to begin…

I have no idea if i’m depressed. I don’t feel depressed. I dont have suicidal thoughts. I do feel like shit all the time though…and I think i’m unhappy. I have a stable job in the veterinary field but don’t drive because of two past DUI’s in 2008 and 2011 which I have not resolved because I am a procrastinator. I have a girlfriend of 4 years and live in a pretty nice place. I am social and can talk to people but don’t have many friends. I used to have a lot of friends when I lived in the bay area. We would party and drink and take spontaneous road trips all the time. Ever since I moved and grown up a little my friends have slowly faded away and the friends I do have don’t really like to hang out much because of their own things going on or I don’t want to hang out with them because ill end up drinking and doing drugs.  On top of all this I have extreme anxiety about dying for some reason and it scares the living shit out of me everyday. I think about an accident that could happen or a medical issue that will pop up and I live my life like a hermit because I am scared. I hate it..I hate it so much. I don’t know what in my life has led to all of my issues but I am really trying to figure it out. I want to know why I avoid talking to family. I want to know why I cant bond with people. I want to know why I am the way I am. I don’t know if i’ll ever find out but hopefully slowly I can fix myself and my issues. 

One thought on “I cant explain why I am the way I am”

  1. You have a lot going on in your head and your childhood that you have never properly dealt with. Way too much for one person to deal with. I have a grandson your age and I was relating to some things you said as I raised him. I totally understand why you feel the way you do and why you don’t talk to family. You are avoiding. At some point you will have to meet your childhood and all the stuff you went through head on.
    I think, the fact that you are writing is a good first step. You are reaching out. When you do decide to resolve issues it will have to be with someone who doesn’t know you so that there is no bias of any kind. Seems you are struggling to keep the past away but you cant. You seem to be in a good relationship now and have every reason to be happy but…………..you haven’t gotten the answers you need in order to move forward. We try so hard to forget our past (the bad parts anyway), but it is always with us affecting our “now” and our future. For right now I would strongly urge you to continue writing and let other people know how you feel. I think that is a great start. I spent four years in therapy before I resolved all my hidden issues but it was a great journey. I am not suggesting you need a therapist but I am saying you need to continue writing your thoughts and feelings. It is always a good start. Just an old ladies opinion. One who had a lot to deal with also. I will watch for your posts and see how you are feeling. It sounds like you have a pretty good life now in your 30’s but you can have a GREAT life once you have figured all this out. Hope you don’t think I am out of line. It is just that I can relate.

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