I have what??

Cancer.    Time stood still.  There we were, my husband & I, sitting on the edge of our bed, trying our best to keep our composure so our kids wouldn’t sense our worry.  I was still clenching on some invisible hope that the biopsy would come back clean.  The day before was the mammogram & ultrasound & followed by a hollow needle being pushed in my right breast to collect samples of the 2 masses.  

After the appointments the plan was set.  Surgery will take place.  Bilateral mastectomy & reconstruction.  Just thinking about a bilateral mastectomy makes the pit in my stomach open. After the removal of both breasts they will be tested & depending on the results it will determine whether or not I will need chemo. 

When will the pit go away though?  It’s been a couple weeks & I still feel just as hollow inside about all of this than I did when I was sitting on the edge of my bed. It’s the same feeling I’d get as I buckle in a roller coaster ride and am waiting for it to take off.  Only it’s not from excitement.  I’m not even close to being excited. 

I’m scared.

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