like eating and still being hungry

like sleeping and getting up feeling tired, tired, tired, as if all the wasted dreams did you no good.

 

tomorrow is two tests + one program + lots of classes to ask about + social anxiety + more rain. i don’t mind the tests or the rain too much, but the anxiety makes asking about things, asking for help, hard.

 

yesterday night i got back in touch with that old friend of mine–C, from the city where i spent my freshman year. missed him tons. i found him on insta, and then we talked some more on wechat, which made me happy, but also searingly sad. things that make me happy always end up making me sad.

i don’t know what to say or do to make myself feel better. it’s hard. i seem to have sloped down down down into somewhere deep and hollow………it’s more apathy and listlessness than rage. it might have something to do with it being the second semester, and me feeling more than ever that pressure to do well in school, to get good grades, to apply for good colleges and scholarships. it might be the friends–lack of friends.

i used to be so sure that all i wanted to be was a translator or interpreter. now i’m not sure. i don’t know. i don’t know if i would want to do that for the rest of my life. but there’s nothing else for me–i can’t do anything science-related, i know that, nor really math-oriented, but then i can’t do anything artsy or musical. i feel lost. i feel hungry and full and tired and awake and restless and numb and cold and warm and terrified all at the same time. i don’t know what i want to do.

 

i’m always scared of something. there’s always something i’m scared of. i feel like i might be this empty and shallow person, and i want to just hide in the corner of my closet with the door closed and everything dark, and just turn into dust.

sometimes i really want to tell someone that i want help, but i keep reminding myself of how worthless it’d be to make my parents have to think about my mental health on top of my schooling. it’d be selfish. i thought about talking to my counselor, but i’ve only met her twice. i then thought about talking to my english teacher, but i don’t want to change his perception of me–i don’t want to appear weak and childish. then there’s no one else. i can’t tell my classmates or my siblings; i don’t want to scare them away. and, of course, there probably isn’t any way to help me when all of my problems are so personal and trivial to others; you can’t take away the stress of school because i can’t not stress over school.

 

there doesn’t seem to be any home-made remedy for depression. it’s always just hobbies and self-care and warm water and little kawaii trinkets and heart-to-hearts with supportive family members.

 

i really hate this mood i’ve been in recently. it’s not even being sad, exactly, because i’m not crying at all, and i can laugh at things i find funny, and sing along to upbeat songs that i like. i don’t know what it is. i’ve felt it a lot of times before, but i still don’t know what it is.

 

i hate how it’s starting to affect how i tackle my homework and assignments. it’s distracting me, making me anxious, waste time. if it didn’t affect school, i honestly wouldn’t care, but school is so important to me and i can’t just let it start getting all awful.

 

maybe this isn’t temporary and i’ll just always be unhappy. that would make sense.

 

i have school tomorrow; i’m just sitting here wasting time. i said school is my priority–it still is. i just wanted to write this down so if i’m happy later, i can remember where i was coming from–where the low point was.

One thought on “like eating and still being hungry”

  1. I want to be a translator too! Or a professor. I see where you’re coming from since I don’t REALLY know what I want to do with my life, and I’m so unsure in general. I don’t think this is a permanent condition, you feeling apathy and distress. You won’t be unhappy for the rest of your life. Sure, school can be stressful. you should try and talk to your English teacher. I’m sure this won’t affect the way they think of you. Hope you have a nice week!

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