the weight of the world…

Do you ever get that feeling that you have the weight of the world on your shoulders yet arents quite sure exactly what it is that your holding? Those days when the normal run of the mill just seems too much to bare, you just want to curl up in bed and watch rubbish tv and avoid the world and all it has to offer. Today that’s me. And yesterday. and the day before… need I continue? Welcome to the world of depression. Now imagine your husband is exactly the same. although somewhat better at putting up a front than you are…

Waking up never quite knowing what mood I or he will be in is draining. Even if we start off in a good mood, a split second can change everything for no apparent reason. Then the aftermath kicks in. 

Knowing that your husband spends every second of the day he is awake trying to make your life better, spoiling you rotten by basically being a private butler and nanny and cheuffer. What more could you ask for? except it makes me feel like I’m failing. I feel like I am not a person anymore. But how can I tell him that without making him feel like its his fault, and he’s caused it. When in reality it all depends on what mood we are in at any given point. 

We both know we have lots of stuff going on in our own lives, and heads. But I have this extra burden. I have no family that I am close to. Im not talking to my mother, but she is talking to him. too much. Shes burdening him with all this extra stuff that he doesn’t need, and the caring person he is means he cant switch off to her, despite knowing why and agreeing with why im not talking to her. So in turn, theres distance and secrets with us. 

On top of that I just feel like I am failing at everything I touch, depsite my best attempts to be better. Every attempt to make my husband feel cared about and thought of, I get wrong. Like a cheeseburger instead of a double, or a tomato stuffed crust pizza instead of stuffed crust cheese. Or putting on a film he just watched yesterday during our couple time. I can never get any of those details right no matter how hard I try. Ive been trying to make the house better, but in doing this I have used the credit card and he just feels im in a buy the world up phase, when really Im trying to better our home. So now I feel guilty. 

I just feel like I cant get anything right at the moment, and Ive never felt more alone in my life. No family, distant husband, children who drive me bonkers. and a cat who doesnt even like me. I thought the first year of marriage was supposed to be amazing, and then having a new baby you’re supposed to be thrilled. But ive never been so miserable and unhappy. That feeling of being so uncontent and yet no idea why. or how to change it. 

And then all I seem to do is moan. Feeling like I never make any sense, and scared to say anything out loud incase I cause more issues and trouble in my already somewhat troubled life. 

I need to make my life my own… now I just need to figure out how to do it. 

 

God pmt makes everything so serious. 

7.24pm 

I can never get anything bloody right. I’m sitting upstairs crying because once again I’ve failed. My husband and daughter are downstairs giggling. And I’m here crying.  How is that fair? All that happened was me using my phone while watching a film. Trying to plot my moods so i can finally go to the drs and make some sense! Although they didnt kniw that. So husband left and my daughter followed him. And yet I’m the one that’s failed again. After making a huge effort to make sure I didn’t screw up the shopping again. Instead I just screw up at home. I can never bloody win. 

I’m nothing but a failure. Proven again and again and again. I hate myself. I’ve never felt more alone than now. 

 

2 thoughts on “the weight of the world…”

  1. That’s a tough one. It is stressful having a baby around. Don’t feel guilty about that. But take time to notice her smile and giggles and laugh with her. Your husband sounds like a nice guy. Try not taking everything so seriously. Next time you “screw up,” just try to laugh it off. Your husband will help you if you tell him how you’re feeling. This can be a beautiful time in your life, dear girl. Try to let it. Embrace each day one at a time. God bless.

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