1.17.2017

i don’t know what to write but i know that i do want to write. i suppose that’s why i just made this account. i used to write on instagram, black pictures, captions to express my thoughts. but instagram is only on the phone that i don’t have anymore, since my mom took it.

i wanted to die. that was why i researched how to do it. but it seems there is no way that is easy and quick and painless and perfect. pills hardly work, hanging is gross and difficult, jumping is too scary and public, and where would i even get a gun, nevermind aiming, and fear. the best way seems to be a exit bag. but that requires me to buy materials.

but i do need a way out. maybe it makes me cowardly and weak to look to suicide rather than solving my problems but i never claimed not to be. i don’t have a future. there is nothing for me now and there will be less and less. there is no point in living this life with no purpose.

it used to be netflix that made me happy, gossip girl and criminal minds and degrassi and the carrie diaries and all the shows that gave me the interesting life i never had for myself. but my parents have taken that from me too and now i’m not sure what i have. failing grades, a messy room, lots of tears, and no friends.

that’s a lie. i have friends, i suppose, but not real ones. not ones that feel like family, that can come over to my house whenever, that i feel fully happy and comfortable around. i hardly do anything with my friends. i don’t go to people’s houses and they don’t go to mine. they are school friends, people to eat lunch with, not people i can talk to or hang out with. i turn to strangers on the internet because i have no one real to turn to.

life is messy. it is not perfect, nor will it ever be. no matter how good i am, how robotic and task-oriented i become it won’t happen. not as if i can do that. but life won’t ever be the way i wish it could be. i will always be dissatisfied with life. that’s just how it is.

where did this system come from? of money and grades and days of doing the same thing, of school and classes and clothes and fashion, of making everyone like you and worrying about everyone’s opinion of you? because i hate it. i wish things were more structured, or less. i wish i could be happy and free and not care. i wish there weren’t grades or homework and that we could learn what we want to, because we want to.

i’m sad and i’m lonely and i wish my heart didn’t feel so empty right now and i know this entry could go on and on for hours but i need to stop myself here goodnight

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