12:03 am

He told me I am insecure. Can you blame me? When every other day or so he tells me he doesn’t want me or he doesn’t know anymore? I feel him slipping more and more out of my finger tips as I try so hard to linger on and hold us together, so for that I fear loosing him by trying to keep him close. It is unfair for him to continue to string me along. Yet  I, dancing as his puppet as he changes his mind left and right hold on to it. Why? When I myself don’t even know what I want. I want him. But why so badly? What about him makes me yearn for his presence and love-lust? No, couldn’t be. I love him with everything in me, for he is my heart. Conflicted is all. But what I do know is he is home. He’s who I want to tell every bad thing and every great thing to. He’s who I want to wake up to every morning and kiss goodnight every night. He’s who I scream for when I wake up in the middle of the night from my reoccurring night mares from my unspeakable childhood. He’s who I want after a bad day and a good day. He’s whom I seek comfort in after an exhausting life.My sanctuary. For nearly four years, he stood by me through it all. Mainly. I don’t give him much credit. I don’t know how to show someone I’m thankful for them, simply because no one ever showed me. A broken heart, yet he’s all my patches. Lust, never. Love indeed. Whether I get a forever with him or not, I need to love him in the now. I broke his heart with a mistake from my past, I shouldn’t of kept it from him, but I myself didn’t want to even believe I did such a thing even if it happened more than once, each was a mistake. I wish he understood why I kept it from him. He hates me. I hate me. I hat how me and him can never go back to how we where. I hate how people are conspiring against me and making false accusations and spreading hate with my name. But even after that all he’s still here and that has to count for something. He’s never been good with showing affection unless intoxicated. So I wait til we open up a can and him tell me everything that’s left to be said. And I pray for the day this is all behind us. I just wish he made more effort in all this before it spiraled out of control right before me. Or that instead of telling strangers, I told him long ago.

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