Going back

Lying prone, the heat lamp sits a few inches above the area between my shoulder blades, it is warm and soothing. The needles are put in a few minutes later and as soon as they penetrate the “meridian pathways” there is a feeling of suction, like something is being pulled from me, I decide to go with it, to let it happen. Then it stops and for a moment I’m not sure what to think. I started wondering how much time was left. Without warning, my left arm from my neck down to my hand felt very heavy and numb. it was similar to how I felt when I woke up from surgery, the numbness, the unrecognizable limp, numb and heavy arm at my side, protected in its sling, and I cried! Everything washed over me all at once and I felt this profound sadness, I didn’t give it enough time to heal, I pushed it too hard when it wasn’t ready.

Since then I felt like I was bouncing between the stages of grief. Before the acupuncture I was in a terrible frozen state of depression, I felt stagnant, I was sad and I didn’t realize how much it was wearing me down. Now I bounce between depression and acceptance. Longer stretches between treatments and I realize i return to the depressed state. I know there is a lot of grief stored within this poor body. My father died just two days before I was going to see him, just 2 months after I injured my shoulder. it was a critical time for me, for healing and for grieving. I was thrust into all in a matter of seconds. I still haven’t sorted it all out and I am unsure if the terrible pain i continue to have is stored up grief or a malfunction of the shoulder and because of that I am scared.

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