Wow, yesterday was a really bad day. But it had a silver lining. The day ended with my husband and I having a really honest chat. We understood each others perspectives and sorted a lot out. Unfortunately it ended with agreeing to wait on the next baby which has broken my heart a little. But at least I feel a little bit less alone now.
Ive noticed something… eerytime I had a complete breakdown and feel at my worst, the next day I wake up with some extra fight in me. If only I had that fight everyday! I need to really work harder on my self esteem and mental attitude. You would think after working in life coaching that I would have my life sorted and know my direction. But I guess like any psychologist…. their life is always the biggest mess.
Today I vow to text my mother. After over a week of not talking after ‘the incident’ I need her to know why I’m standing my ground and how I plan to go ahead from here. I cant block her out totally for the sake of the kids, but I’m not going to continue how we have been for the last few years. I don’t have the capacity to emotionally support her, to be on the phone for hours a day trying to pick her up when all I get in return in bitching about every mistake I made over my lifetime, having things dragged up from when I was 14 years old onwards. I don’t need to spend my day putting all my energy into fixing her life, at the cost of my own families life. I can’t do it anymore. Its breaking me. So from here on in, i will be there to talk to. but not for hours. I will not listen to you moan about my mistakes, instead of praising my achievements. I will not allow her to talk to me in a degrading way. If she does I will walk away.
I also vow to make my husband feel a little bit more special, more loved, sexier, funnier… everything he wants to feel from a wife.