The Beginning

This is me holding my sister. I am 4 years old.  I was left home alone with my drunk father to take care of her. I had to change cloth diapers. I remember sticking her with a pin by accident and making her cry. I got one pin in fine, but I kept missing with the second one and stuck her. I had laid her down on the floor to change her next to my dad’s recliner where he was passed out drunk. I still remember it 42 years later.

I am disgusted that my mother would leave us with him like that. I don’t really blame him. He was already drunk when she decided to leave us with him. And, it’s not like she was leaving us to go to work to put food on the table or something. Nope. She left us to go to a women’s club meeting. We could have both been killed. Mothering and responsibility were not a priority to her. 

I took care of my sister, and then my brother when he was born. I suppose sometimes when siblings are in that situation- have neglectful parents- they bond together. Not my siblings. I rarely see or hear from either of them. We all live in the same city- have for the last 22 years or so, but they want nothing to do with me or with each other, for that matter. I don’t know why. Maybe seeing me reminds them of our shitty excuse for a childhood. I’m the oldest, so I’m the one that took the biggest hit. I have PTSD from all the trauma our parents put us through. I’m sure my brother is the least aware of all that happened- but my parents did still manage to fuck him up, too. My dad called him a candy ass- he thought he wasn’t tough enough. My mother worshipped the ground he walked on and never asked him to lift a finger. 

My dad told me my hair color was piss burnt brown. What a nice thing to say to your kid. Maybe that’s why I started coloring it when I was 14 years old. I know my parents were ignorant, but it has fucked me up just the same. I am a basket case, with no one in my life because of what they put me through. 

One thought on “The Beginning”

  1. It makes me so angry and sad to see how cute you are on the picture and how little your father appreciated you. What a horrible person. 🙁 Children are so innocent and so easily made happy – even you still have your smile. You were a brave kid, taking care of your sister at that age, it’s something to be proud of.

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