1/18/2017

Woke up at 7:10. For the first time in my life, I have experienced dusting powder off my face with a brush that had coffee on it. That’s what happens when you do your makeup in a hurry while sipping on coffee, craving to get that rush. 

School was fine. It was only our Latin teacher who kept nagging about how the apocalypse is on its way and how the world is filled with greed and evil and nag, nag, nag. If you’re already so disappointed in your life, constantly telling people about how you hate the world won’t make a fucking difference. “Miserere!” she always says that, looking at the sky (the white plastic ceiling). That means God, be merciful or something. I’ve already written too much. No body wants to know about that lunatic anyway. She’s a nice woman. But irrational. Oh and also, Chemistry. What kind of luck does it take to, in one out of four groups in class, get to work with salt and water while everybody is dissolving some permanganate stuff in water. The other groups got orange liquids, blue and purple. We got water with salt! Sea salt! God!

I got home. Brandon stayed round for an hour. His train was leaving at 4 and it was only two when we had left school. I was embarrassed because our house looked as messy as it gets. We talked and had some laughs though. 

My book came today. It’s paperback. Disappointment. But I’m still happy I have it. (Aren’t I a fucking lunatic. “I hate this, but I actually have love for everyone. The day has been splendid. I’ll slit my throat.”)

Mum made waldorf salad. I washed my hair and applied purple shampoo. Why is the stuff so expensive? Looking for my Sims 2 CD, I stumbled upon an old reminder of my cringeworthy and depressing work. WORK. “Work”. Two years ago, I used to be a mess. I had thought that was the end. I had thought that I was going to end up killing myself. All that’s gone now, thank God. But what a reminder those poems were…Those thoughts. I felt embarrassed. I want to burn this. I literally wrote down things like “please kill me, slit my wrists” and “life is great, but death is greater.” I’m ashamed. Very ashamed. Although I’m not questioning my actual “condition” then. I know that I was confused and very, very afraid. That was the strangest and the worst thing that I had ever experienced.

 

Went to do my daily French stuff on Duolingo. 

I have school till 2:50 tomorrow. After that, at 3, Maths tuition. At 5 dentist. I can’t decide which one’s the scariest

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