So here we go again.
I feel like I shouldn’t even be surprised to be back at square one. Kind of. It’s been days, probably even weeks since I’ve last felt right about myself, and yet I kept going as if I hadn’t noticed, as if I wasn’t falling apart all over again.
I don’t know what to do, how to feel, what to say or who to say it to. The only thing I trust is a piece of paper (or apparently a website now?) to share my thoughts, not even expecting any response.
Right now I feel wrong, let down, lonely, dumb, overwhelmed and incredibly lost. So needless to say all I’ve been doing the past couple of days included lying on the couch with too much bread sitting on top of my stomach, apparently trying to kill myself somehow.
Now you may think: “You’re only 22, you have a roof, enough money to be comfortable, you’re healthy(-ish), you have people around you, you’re nearly done with uni and soon starting a new internship…what the fuck are you whining about?”
And, honestly, I ask myself the same question.
So let’s go around it quickly:
I can’t focus enough to study for my finals – meaning there’s a chance I might not graduate after nearly five fucking years in uni – so all I do is eat, eat, eat some more, and not exercise enough to make up for it. I eat non vegan, non gluten free, fat foods, and stay convinced it won’t matter the day after. Spoiler alert: it does; especially when I want to label myself as one of those people who actually respect their body as well as the environment and all that, you know? Fucking hypocrite.
But let’s move on, that’s another post for another time.
Another thing is that I keep spending money – with a crippling anxiety every time I have to confirm the payments – on stuff I DO NOT NEED. I mean, do I really need four extra jackets two sizes too small when I already have at least six I can cry over? Do I really need to attend four expensive-ass concerts this year when I’m still waiting for my friends to pay me back for the last one? Do I really need to order overpriced foods I end up throwing away every single day? Do I really need a hundred prints of photos using an app when I could easily just print from home for free? Do I really need to do my groceries at the fanciest fucking stores just because the peanut butter is crunchier? The answer is no. I know it, you know it, the delivery guy that greets me every night at my own door fucking knows it.
You’d think getting my two bank accounts SOMEHOW hacked would’ve been a warning sign. It was not.
On top of that, I am incapable of saying no. And I mean, INCAPABLE. And it’s driving me crazy.
That means, if I have an exam I haven’t studied for at seven in the morning and you ask me if I wanna get drinks at eleven the night before, I will say yes without hesitation. Ask me if I wanna go to a huge concert on a day I have a decisive health rendez-vous and I will cancel the appointment for “personal reasons” sounding like my grandma died when I actually just wanted to queue fourteen hours early “just in case”. Sometimes it’s great because it means great memories and fun opportunities, but other times it just means me, people I despise, and pointless-ass conversations with a sugary alcoholic drink I could’ve easily avoided and sore feet.
I can also never refuse to host a dinner party or let a friend crash on my couch, even if I know my OCDs are gonna make it a fucking nightmare. When I say OCDs I don’t mean it as a joke. I don’t mean to be funny. Last night I had a thirty minute panic attack, tears all over my red face trying to breathe properly again just because my friend used my designated dishes sponge to clean the tub. I had to do yoga and meditation before I could even answer the text where she told me it was her.
I spent the entire night trying to process it.
I’m still bitter.
And lastly, I’m craving something, or someone. I’m still not entirely sure. But again, that’s another story for another post.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m drowning in a bottomless ocean attached to weights I built myself just for that purpose. I’m saying that I’m killing myself in subtle ways, just like I have for years, and I’m still shocked by how strong I am after all this time of self hatred and sabotage. What I’m saying is that I tend to use superficial issues to justify behaviors resulting from deep emotional trauma that I still cannot word out loud, even to myself, and I need to express enough to get to the deeper ones, get rid of the surface to begin to get a glimpse of what’s under that pile of overdramatic fake cries and pretense.
I won’t list every single thing going wrong in my life right now, especially because I’ve been trying to focus on the positive lately, but I guess that’s what was on my mind right now. I’m not sure what sharing my thoughts this way will do just yet because I know I can’t depict my emotions and perspective very well through a short entry, but I do hope it’ll help me somehow at some point.