It’s over

I feel compelled to lie to my husband about money. I feel like having a credit card he doesn’t know about and buying things with it gives me a sense of control. This isn’t the first time I’ve done it, but it needs to be the last. I am a foot and 3/4 on my way to losing my husband, my home, and my children. The previous times, I got into serious arrears and was doing damage to my credit. This time I have been paying more than the minimum every month and the card isn’t completed capped out. But I haven’t told my husband and that is where the problem lies.

He found out. He was going through my purse to look for a receipt and found the letter from the bank. I was sleeping at the time and he woke me by asking me if I was cheating on him. Wild-eyed and confused I replied with “no, of course not”. He responded by asking how could he believe me when I lie every day about the credit card. Then he told me he was done with our marriage. My world ended. 

Here I sit now, waiting for work to end to go home and see what the rest of my life looks like. I’m scared, sick with worry and the only one I have to blame is myself. There are no excuses. I have done a bad thing and have brought this on myself.

So why do I do it? I am reasonably intelligent and yet I do things like this. I sabotage myself at every turn. If I lose my husband my entire universe falls apart. I don’t have anyone else. My mother is passed and my father is remarried and more tied to his wife’s family than with his own. Today has been spent fighting tears as I think about killing myself. I can almost feel the cold steel of the knife against my wrist.

I won’t do that, though.  I won’t put my husband in the position of finding me. This morning I prayed to die in a car accident on the way to work. I made it just fine. I will pray it happens on my way home. I don’t know how to fix what I am. I do know, I have to find a way to stop hurting everyone around me.

 

 

3 thoughts on “It’s over”

  1. You have a job. That is more than most in your position. You will find a way out of this. Breathe, relax, and continue to keep building yourself back into shape before you falling apart. May God guide you and please be one of the survivors that make it through. 🙂 ♡

  2. Please, know that your finances aren’t worth dying over. It is temporary. I agree with Teedo, there must be more to the story. I would never say I have been where you are, but I have been in a similar spot. My marriage is over and I love my new life. It takes some time and work, but there is always a tomorrow.

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