I feel compelled to lie to my husband about money. I feel like having a credit card he doesn’t know about and buying things with it gives me a sense of control. This isn’t the first time I’ve done it, but it needs to be the last. I am a foot and 3/4 on my way to losing my husband, my home, and my children. The previous times, I got into serious arrears and was doing damage to my credit. This time I have been paying more than the minimum every month and the card isn’t completed capped out. But I haven’t told my husband and that is where the problem lies.
He found out. He was going through my purse to look for a receipt and found the letter from the bank. I was sleeping at the time and he woke me by asking me if I was cheating on him. Wild-eyed and confused I replied with “no, of course not”. He responded by asking how could he believe me when I lie every day about the credit card. Then he told me he was done with our marriage. My world ended.
Here I sit now, waiting for work to end to go home and see what the rest of my life looks like. I’m scared, sick with worry and the only one I have to blame is myself. There are no excuses. I have done a bad thing and have brought this on myself.
So why do I do it? I am reasonably intelligent and yet I do things like this. I sabotage myself at every turn. If I lose my husband my entire universe falls apart. I don’t have anyone else. My mother is passed and my father is remarried and more tied to his wife’s family than with his own. Today has been spent fighting tears as I think about killing myself. I can almost feel the cold steel of the knife against my wrist.
I won’t do that, though. I won’t put my husband in the position of finding me. This morning I prayed to die in a car accident on the way to work. I made it just fine. I will pray it happens on my way home. I don’t know how to fix what I am. I do know, I have to find a way to stop hurting everyone around me.