01-20-2017

What sucks about being alone is the thoughts you think about only when you’re alone. For me, the thoughts that come to me are horrible and even physically unhealthy.

Tonight being one of those nights.

I’m scared to tell you what’s on my mind for many reasons. What if I scare you away? You realize I’m just too much to handle. I’m just a pointless cause. I can never be fixed. What if I tell you my thoughts and fears and you tell me I’m right? That everything I fear is true. My biggest fear about tell you my thoughts is just that, telling you, opening up to you, letting you see inside my head. Seeing who I really am. What if you used it against me somehow? If I open up to you like that and it turns out I’m right, then what? Isn’t that sad? Considering your my husband. Shouldn’t I tell you everything? Well I kind of have actually, this fear of mine.

I’ve told you many times about it actually, so many times I feel guilty for still having this fear. Lately it’s been on my mind a lot. It’s been bothering me, pestering me, driving me crazy. I haven’t really eaten for a week, and when I do I can’t keep it down. I can never sleep. I’ve been hanging around one person just to keep my mind together. 

I like to pretend that it’s all because of my past relationships; but let’s think about it. It only really started with the situation while you couldn’t talk to me for a week, a few months back. Ever since I’ve gone back and forth not trusting you and being afraid. Then pretending to trust you by not thinking about it, then eventually thinking about it and hitting me all at once. Spending all night crying and feeling like I’m crazy, sleeping it off then rinse and repeat a week later.

Almost once a week, I think about the messages between “you” and them. What they said runs in my mind over and over. I keep trying to remember what you said but then it doesn’t add up and like I said. All night crying thinking I’m crazy and not good enough because why else would this happen to me? Why else would I be lead on then so betrayed? 

But you’ve never known, because I feel so guilty for not trusting you for something you told me you didn’t do. And I feel like I can’t tell you.

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