So I had decided to not bother my boyfriend for a couple of days… as in I didn’t interfere with anything that he wanted to do. He tends to ask for my “permission”, “opinion”, and so forth. This time I simply told him, “It’s up to you, do whatever you would like. Its your choice.” Of course I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I was trying something different. I was trying not to be a “burden” or “problem” to him. I tried.
Yesterday he blew up. It was one of those fights. You know, the bad ones where you wish didn’t have to happen.
So… this is a bit personal for me to say here but here it is for you.
Since I was not trying to be a problem for him I was sort of trying to keep myself out of the way. Only there whenever he needed to talk. (He never talks to me without a reason.)
Our days go about; good morning kiss, leaves for work, comes back, another kiss, naps, is on his phone, eats dinner, gym on scheduled days, good night kiss (sometimes), and then new day.
So we don’t “talk” talk. We only talk about the things we need to, like what we are going to eat, or what workout we are doing…and so on.
I hated that cycle. I wanted to “talk” talk. Not necessarily about serious things, but about anything. And whenever I brought this up before he gets upset and tells me he feels “disrespected”, and that I make him feel like he’s not good enough for me. He makes me feel bad for feeling bad? Like, how??? I was just letting him know that I want to talk about how his day was…or how mine was. ANYTHING.
So we don’t talk. We don’t show affection…nothing.
It started Wednesday night, the 18th, we watching our favorite show at the moment. He started to try to have sex right? So it happened. After, it just went back to not talking and no affection.
TSK TSK. I brought it up because he was only nice and affectionate just for sex… I just asked him why can’t we be affectionate more often. He didn’t say anything and put his arm over me while we finished up the episode. Then we went to the gym. I tried to talk to him. I really wanted an answer… and that’s when he was being rude about it. He just said, “We are at the gym, lets work out. Why do you always want to talk?” (Seriously? I’ve been pushing myself to the side so he doesn’t feel like I’m always there.)
I told him that I was trying not to be a bother to him. I was trying not to talk to him about things like this because I know he will get upset and think I’m attacking him. He always describes things like this as “being disrespectful”, I just don’t understand.
SO I stopped. And I felt so bad because now he is mad and I’m there trying to say anything else. From there, he started to get more upset and was about to leave the gym saying that he is not enough for me and that I always want more… I didn’t say anything. I kept working out and he stayed. Finished. Showered. In bed. Back to the same cycle.
The next morning, about 4am, woke up and he showered. I asked him about why he was being so rude last night at the gym. He was still mad? Idk. He just left the room, ignoring me, I had followed him because I needed the car that day, so I was going to take him to work.
In the car, we started arguing about why he keeps treating me like shit. How I am just there for him whenever he wants to have sex because we never talk or do anything else. He just started making up all these excuses. And they were really bad excuses. I shot down every excuse he had. And in the end he just told me that, “I wanted you because you finally normal” (normal as in not being in the way)….”I don’t care if I don’t see you for days” and other unmentionables. That just hurt me so bad I didn’t want to talk to him anymore.
He was late for work, decided instead of being late he called in. We came back home.
I was still crying. He tried to hold me and tell me that he is sorry for saying all that stuff to me. He was telling me that he loves me and didn’t mean what he said. And that he knows that he is the problem…and so on.
I was thinking why does it have to get this bad? Why couldn’t we have just talked about it without it escalating.
At this point I didn’t want to talk anymore. I just wanted to sleep. I was done with everything.
Why does he say all these mean things to me? I was trying not to be a problem for him, hoping he would see that I am trying.
Today, he is being nice, but all I have in my head is, “He doesn’t care about you Nikki.”