3:10 PM

So far I think that having an online journal has helped me in more ways then one. When I get free time, I would like to be able to comment on others posts, instead of just writing. I want to contribute somehow. It’s best to expand my view of people, no matter how simple their posts may be or intricate. If I disagree or not.

I’ve noticed I’ve been more at ease as of lately ever since I began to write. While I’m always embarrassed at the thought of sharing my feelings or how I think with others, being able to open up about my life is what it’s good for. I certainly want to be able to be open, maybe learn something new about myself or others. 

Sometimes I wish I could share very personal issues that no longer affect me, but I’ve always been ashamed about(then again, maybe they do still affect me). I find that no matter how much I get close to another person, write about it, even having something that’s private only to me, where I only know about it, its impossible to ever not feel ashamed about it. That’s what will always bother me. Maybe because I’m afraid people will pity me or think of me differently if they knew what had happened to me?

I wouldn’t want that ever. I had a journal of my own that I kept beside my bed. I eventually tore it up, afraid if someone found it and knew who I was or what made me the way I am today.

No one should ever be ashamed of that, but I always am. I find that even a journal online that’s private, talking to friends in private, ones I trust immensely, there’s this feeling of wanting to somehow erase their memories of what I told them, out of pure embarrassment.

I guess no matter what anyone says, a persons past usually has an impact on how people perceive them. I don’t ever have to let anyone know, but I feel like I’m letting my past win me over then. I know deep down that it’s not because it’s personal to me, but because it’s shameful to me.

Maybe when I’m stronger one day, I can be able to speak about it openly, or write about it openly, to share my experiences. I’m far from being as strong as I could be though.

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