Sometimes everything feels like a dream and today that “Sometime”.
I have done some pretty amazing things like shocking a room full of CEOs of different companies and startups with the vision that I have, and I have also done some extremely stupid things like… damn why can’t I think of something stupid that I did?
Lets see… I declines an offer to go out by the girls of my class in the first semester that was stupid everything could have turned out differently, but the reason I rejected the offer was a good one; I only had 5 Rs in my pocket that day.
I greatly impress the people I meet nearly every time. Like the CEO of CLINLAB he offered me the more then the total sum of what I earned from 4 job during my vacations; he wanted me to make videos for him. He repeatedly told me that I was wasting my talent. So was declining his offer a dumb thing? No it wasn’t.
He also set me up with a News channel, they too wanted me to make videos for them… the news channel wanted my videos!!! I declined. Was it a dumb decision? No.
I wanted to make educational videos but all these people had their own agenda.
Why am I getting mad now! I’m the most useless person I know. I did nothing today. Didn’t move from my bed all day.
On Monday I have a final exam.
I impressed the Professor who took me in on his startup. He gave me work a week ago. I haven’t done anything.
I’m lost now days. I don’t want to do any thing related to any kind of work.
No videos, no job, no tuition, no study.
My sister was always complaining that all the other girls were jealous of her because she always toped the exams. I just wasn’t able to believe it until I went with her one day when she was sick and had an exam. I saw what she was telling all along with my own eyes. I thought that would never be the case with me I don’t have the GPA nor any good connections with the Professors like everyone else but I was wrong.
For the past few week I have noticed things I never notices before. I saw guys making me the object of laughter deliberately, picking out the mistakes in my work, making fun of me. Why? I never thought bad for any of them. All the opportunities that I had that I went out for I shared them all with all of them.
I always announced any opening for jobs I was going to any competition I was taking part in, every interview that I applied for, any kind of opportunity that ever showed up I shared it with them all. It was their own fault for not doing anything to get it…. What did I do wrong?
I thought I can do free lancing but I can’t do it. I raised too well. Why did my parents brought me up to be so thoughtful of everything and everyone. I can’t make a gig of something I can’t do. I can’t write anything in the description that is a lie. This one time when I got a gig it made my life crazy for three days, I could think of nothing else but the gig that I had to complete for the client with all my skill and not leave anything out.
I’m so lost as to what to do!
I feel so over whelmed my best friend who had stayed by my side from the first semester. He is a genius he scores higher them 95 percent of the class he know much more then 10 of me combined, I’m always depending on him. It wasn’t always like that somewhere along the way I lost my confidence and started depending on him. This has to stop. Sorry Friend if you are reading this. Only two of friends know about this journal of mine and he is one of them.
I need to stop depending on him and do my on work. It gotten worse to the point that he made my whole project for me. THE WHOLE PROJECT. A full fledged website with a fully functionally designed database to back it up, dynamic in all aspects more or less like this Good Night Journal in functionality.
Talked to him a bit it can’t decide how it went.
Now I know why another friend left the group. He had the same reason and he told me alone, fuck me , I wasn’t able to understand him, Now I do.
A classmate asked me that “Do you not care about anything or do you just pretend not to care?” I told him “Who doesn’t care about things! I do to but I just don’t show it” BUT that wasn’t the truth what I really thought was that I really don’t care about much stuff. Now it feels like I care about everything even the most trivial things.
The smallest remarks make me angry or happy. It wasn’t like that no so long ago when did it happen or was I always like this and I just didn’t realize it.
My head is … what do I say… feels like it something is trying to force its way out of it, it hurts. I’m feeling pain like I felt when I got up and went to hospital myself on one EID, not the same amount of pain just the same pain about 10 percent of it.
This is an awfully long entry… what do I care I want to write, I feel like writing.
There is really no direction in which I’m going. A friend told me that I have my leg stuck in so many places it will become difficult for me and it did became difficult for me.
Who do I ask for help? Dad? He already has fare share of his problem! Mom? I can’t make her worry she already worries too much? A friend? May be not many who could help. A Professor? Not close enough to anyone to ask anything like this.
There is a student counseling thing that started a few month ago maybe I’ll go there on Monday, maybe.
Maybe when I wake up in the morning all these feeling will be gone. I’m the kind of person who forgets thing in the morning. Not many feelings linger on.
I never thought it would become so difficult after dad lost his job. Everything I did, I did after dad lost his job. Until then I was just eating and sleeping with a little touch of studying on the side, this was my whole life.
So… did my life changed for the better or worse? No matter how I look at it I can’t find something to label as WORSE. Ironic.