Journal entry

Hahaha I am laughing at myself of how mad I was the last post. But they say its good to let go of your emotions because when you bottle it up…you just explode twice as hard..its like a close coke bottle and you just get shaking it…and when you open know what happens…anyways these past few days I been heavily drinking. I mean I always drank but lately I have. My life right now is just a total mess and I honestly don’t like it..but what makes me strong is that I still get up everyday to face it. I still push myself to get out the house even though there’s leftover snow on the ground and raining too. The weather is horrible and feeling horrible doesnt make it feel better but makes it ok…like well weather horrible anyways. Its the Sunny days that suppose to make me feel good..but thats if i dont feel horrible. Lol ok sound confusing but basically…it hurts more when the weather is so beautiful and you realize something is just not beautiful in your life…whether if you dont have someone to share your journey with or the hardship in life. But because my weather sucks right now…im ok..but when the weather start lookin nice again..idk im a lil worry haha…i might not be able to stay out all summer night cuz im just having too much fun going from place to place…but i might be able to take a walk..or go down the lake…and then that makes me lonely because i wanna walk wit someone and then blah blah blah….so basically im in the time of my life..where its between forcing to love myself and pushing myself to just do it…so im not “depending” on others for my wholeness…or…even tho i get to the stage of loving myself…regardless im still gonna be lonely due to wanting a family and someone close…people say it will come because ur energy will attract the right people in ur life…but what if it took so long to attract someone when im in my 40s..then what?? I never got the chance to have what i wanted…so now basically just live your life and see what happens..all these tactics and advices and what right and wrong…jus all fucken wit my head…regardless..cant beat whats life going to be like…just the things u desire and just hope it happens..but its not guarantee so im not gonna waste my energy on it. Im gonna put my energy else where…thats why they say do new hobbies..cuz it switch ur focus on other things and after u know it…ur in a whole different life situation…its like a program…but i like who i am…i just want a family…thats what im saying

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