Immature Boyfriends

Spent last night crying my eyes out more than usual. It’s been a while since I’ve cried, so I figured that’s why. I get so pent up, that I burst into tears over the smallest ordeals.

Usually I wouldn’t feel as strongly emotional to situations as I do nowadays. My bf of two years(Ex maybe?), has been doing what he usually does, being brutally honest. Sometimes it feels like my heart stops when he tells me what he truly thinks of me.

Anything from being ugly to him, to my chest being too big, or my body being considered “Chubby”, I’m constantly being thrown around emotionally. He doesn’t like my hair, my face, or my hands or feet. Why does he stay with me? I’m sweet to him (and put up with it). Honestly though, there are sweeter girls out there, their everywhere. I sometimes feel like I’m more of a sister to him.

I rarely talk to him as it is, I don’t feel anything anymore. I told him that, but he seems to want to be my bf just to feel as intimate as possible with me. I don’t mind. Not like being friends is any different from being a bf, we still told each-other we loved one another even as friends.

He’s apologized profusely for calling me ugly, I know he didn’t mean it to be mean. He’s trying to be honest, but sometimes I wish he would lie. He can’t use different words because he’s too immature to understand how words can be used, or replaced by something a bit more less mean sounding but still honest(Basically lie, haha). Instead of ugly, maybe he could have gone with messy?

I can’t satisfy him obviously.  My body can’t make him happy, I don’t like being seen without makeup, or seen at all.He tells me how much he loves me, and even-though he’s a bit older, he’s no different from boy’s my age, still has more than enough to learn. So do I, but I can at least keep my relationship with someone without hurting them without thinking. He’s christian, like me, but I feel like that doesn’t even make up for 95 % of everything.

He did comment that “if it had been any other girl, then he possibly would have been slapped.” Referring to his offhandish comments about my appearance.

I think anyone in a relationship wants to be desired by their partner, it just wouldn’t work otherwise.

I’m younger than him by (let’s just say more than 3 years.)

I figured maybe since he was older, he would have been a bit more mature from what I’m used to in my age range. I already knew that age doesn’t define maturity, but I feel like I found what I was looking for, but only that it’s not as what I imagined my bf would be.

I feel bitter towards me. I had so much confidence after he told me how pretty I was that night, how beautiful I was. It’s a bit stupid of me to get excited and happy thinking I was that pretty to him. The next morning he casually tells me I was ugly last night. It’s a bit embarrassing to be honest, haha.

I was in an abusive relationship before him, so he was a Godsend to me. A part of me, maybe because of my past, doesn’t mind how humiliating it is. A part of me almost is beginning to enjoy that feeling. It’s silly.

A part of me doesn’t even react when he tells me these things anymore. I got too confident around him, and it shattered in an instant.

That’s just how life is. I was so in love with him before, that I wouldn’t have cared. I would have loved him no matter what. A part of me still does. It physically hurts, like I’m being torn into two. Not being accepted by the person you love over something you can’t EVER change.

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