Lately I have been feeling super super overwhelmed and stressed out. Everything is different and everything is changing. Nothing is set in a plan. Everyday is a day by day kind of thing or wait and see. Nothing in my life rn seems sturdy and everything feels like its going to fall apart and crumble on top of me. I just cant do this anymore. I cant do this whole dual crriculam and Im defenetly not ready for college. I should still be taking high school classes only bc I’m still in high school. sorta.
Last night I was watching this movie about a girl who writes a blog and has sex with a lot of older men. it was a little weird but it was good. It was kinda one of those movies that makes you think. I definitely was thinking. probably a little too much. Near the end of the movie my girlfriend called me and she was feeling shitty and so was I. It was not a good situation because we both needed loving but we also both wanted to give the other person love and thats very hard to do when you are feeling so shitty and u are the onw who wants the love.
So anyways she calls me and I answer and we talk for about 3 mins and I stated to get kinda frustrated with her bc she didn’t tell me something and I had to find out the hard way. I didn’t like that. I tried to get over it but she said that she should probably just go because she thought that she was making me mad. Which to be honest she kind of was. So we hung up and about 10 or so mins later I was just getting more and more upset so I picked up the phone and called her. She picked up almost right away and I just said “hi”. she said hi back and then I started crying on the phone. She asked me what was wrong and she told me it was all going to be ok. I couldn’t really answer the question tho. There was so much going on I didnt even know where to start. ( I knew it wasn’t going to be tho). I knew what I was going to do and I knew that I was definitely going to do it. She had to hand in her fone after only 2 mins. That got me worried. I tried to be ok because i knew there was nothing she could do about it and neither could I and I didn’t want to get her in trouble.
After our fone call I sat in the hallway downstairs just crying quietly so no one would know and no one could hear me. After a couple mins I grabbed all my stuff and ran upstairs. I cried some more and then I got upset bc my roommates used all my tissues!! I got into pjs and went downstairs to take my meds that help me sleep. But I didnt take it. I shoved it in my pocket when the staff wasnt looking and I went upstairs. I cried some more and then I got my phone out and looked on YouTube how to take apart a razor. How to get the blade out. It was hard to find a video that actually shows you bc they are all are like haha psych I’m not going to show you bc that is wrong. But I finally did. I was too weak and I didn’t have the place privacy or the right kind of razor so I didnt take it apart but I did cut. I cut myself on my leg and on my stomach. I cut 2 times in 2 different spots on my stomach and I cut a bunch of times on my leg. Once I cut once or twice. I let it bleed and then went back over it again to make it deeper and bleed more. I wont tell you too much more bc its kind of gross but I just needed to feel pain I wanted all of my overwhelmingness to go away. I could tell u a bunch of reasons why I did it but that doesnt change how u guys will feel or how I will feel about myself and especially not how my gf and therapist will feel.
It bled a lot but it eventually stopped. I dont need stitches or anything. I just have a bunch of bandages on it. I told my therapist and she didnt seem to upset at me wich was a huge relief. Im not 100% sure that she knows what I did but she knows ive done it in the past and I kind of suggested it and she seemed to pick up. I’m meeting with her later to talk more. The worst part of all of this is that my gf seemed to get mad at me. Ik she is worried and she told me she was. I guess its sweet that she cares and that she is worried but she said something that I didnt like at all. Ihe said that “I’m not going to get mad at you bc that wont change what happened and that wont make you do it less or not do it again. its not worth it. it wont do anything.” Now some would argue that that was being nice and her way of saying she is not mad but it made me upset bc to me it felt like she was saying im mad but I wont show it or act on it bc thats not going to do anything. She also asked if i was feeling like i was going to do it again and I said I didnt know and she asked me if someone should take my razors away from me and I said no. She said that she wants me to tell someone else and to tell someone to take my razors bc she wants me to be safe. But I cant do that. Im not going to do that! I am dealing wth this with my therapist and she knows what happened and wat is best to do. I will not do the things my gf wants this time. If i have no razors and i stat to freak out like that i will not have anything do get rid of my anxouty and overwhelmed feeling in my body and the on call isnt always the best person to talk to. I feel the need to cut again. I dont have anything to cut with here rn now though. my leg doesnt even hurt that much. I hate that i did it and the worst part of all of this is roght after i did it i told her, i went on fb and messaged my gf and told her that i was sorry and that to please not be mad. She didnt understand wat i was talking about when she read it bc she was sleeping when i sent it to her but today she said u have nothing to be sorry for. U didnt do anything and i just stared at her. Now she knows and she is mad. She hates that i cut.
Just some more scars to add to my collection.