How true this has become for me.

When I was young. I was bounced around a lot as a kid. My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 9. The things that tormented her mind, I couldn’t imagine. My dad left probably about a year before child welfare took us away from our mom. They managed to keep us together when they placed us in foster care until one home where the male foster parent tried to molest my two sisters. 

My sister’s were taken out the home immediately. My brother and I remained but, were eventually removed and placed in another home. My brother and I would go on to be moved several more times before I decided to graduate early and leave the home. It was not a smart move. My brother, walked away from the home soon after I left. I didn’t know how much bouncing around and never feeling secure would effect me until I started dating. Most of my relationships failed in one way or another. Leaving me wanting to be alone or spiraling in to bouts of depression.

Today, this came across my head while I was working. My happiest times have indeed been when I was alone and with my dog who, as always laying beside me snoring. I smile as I write this. I love Biggie (that’s his name) so much. I thought about the times I lived alone and although I dated, I was always more at ease when I was alone.  I think about this again now as I’m writing in my mancave. It’s a little cool down here tonight. My fingers are so cold to the touch and I keep blowing into them to warm them up but it just makes them colder so I stopped doing it. My wife worked late tonight, So, I cooked dinner and washed the dishes so she wouldn’t have to worry about that when she comes in. I usually cook. She washes the dishes. I still remain silent and haven’t really held a conversation with her in a couple of days. I will always say Good morning and hello when she comes from work in times that I don’t talk much but that is it.

I hear the shower cut off upstairs so I know that she is getting ready for bed. About an hour from now, I will be doing the same thing. By then she will be fast asleep. I am at this time enjoying my solitude. In it, there is a peace within me. In my heart, I say goodnight to her.

But verbally. I remain silent.

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