So today hasnt been a good day. It started off good…but then in one little sentence the whole day shattered along with what im sure was my heart.
My husband and I were joking around, and then came the joke about our sex life. his response was… “well it’s all forced anyway”. From this there can nly be two possible meanings. Firstly that it is himself forcing himself to do it…. or secondly that it is myself forcing myself to do it, for him. If anyone reading this can think of any other meanings for this reply you are mistaken. these are the ONLY two possible answers. Both of which have ruined me.
I don’t think te first one is possible because there is no way that any of it is forced on his side. Infact we have had so many discussions about him needing more and how my drive doesnt come anywhere close to his.
So this means the second one is the only answer possible from here on out. This is what hurt me the most. I have worked so hard to make sure he knows that none of what I do is forced. Infact, I have made things harder on myself to enforce this fact. All the arguments about we arent doing it enough or hes not getting enough and ive always said im not going to force myself to do it when i dont want to for the sake of keeping him happy. The truth me told I have been really struggling with the physical side of things since I had my miscarriage in 2015. I hate my body, I hate the fact that it can’t do what its supposed to do. I hate the thoughts I have in relation to sex.
I was just starting to change my thought pattern, to open up and beginning to enjoy that side of things in the last week. Enjoying being close to my husband knowing that he was enjoying the attention too…. only for him to turn around and tell me its all forced and I dont mean it. Thats what hurt me so much. Yet again why do I bother when everytime I try I fail. or things get worse.
I’m done with trying. I’m done with caring. Im done with wanting to be better. I can’t keep taking one step forward and 10 steps backwards every day. Its too exhausting to deal with.
Then to make matters worse my husband is annoyed with me because I got upset and pushed him away when he tried to hug me. He said he was joking but he wasnt because when I said “thats not true” he said “it is I can see it in your eyes”. Im not in the wrong for being hurt and upset by his comments. He’s not entitled to be upset that I pushed him away when he had hurt me so deeply. He knows this has been a struggle for me. He knows Ive been working on it. But he never ever says sorry when hes in the wrong. NEVER. he just waits for me to stop being annoyed. and then tells me i was wrong for being so annoyed.
so here I am again, crying my heart out because im not good enough again. It’s not possible that I fail this much. it cant all be me? surely?? I cant be wrong for being so hurt over that comment when it’s all i’ve been focusing on – trying to make my husband feel more loved.