Lately I’ve had nightmares, about me and my childhood friend. After her visit to the hospital, her behavior and such, I scheduled a time to spend the night at her place. Early June of last year, we had a major fight over her alcohol use and cutting, she didn’t want help and in the end I told her I was done. Having to be emotionally drained and watching her destroy herself when I can’t do anything, I didn’t want to see that. I wanted to avoid conflict too(lately how I’ve been). I didn’t text her back for almost three months, not even reading anything she sent me. I still haven’t read those messages, instead texting her through my phone, and not a messaging app.
She ended up punching her dresser and having to go to the hospital when I told her I wasn’t going to stay there to watch her hurt herself more. She was okay, but I’m worried about her violent outbursts. I guess I wanted to see her a last time before I couldn’t anymore. So that’s why I planned a sleepover. Spend time with her. I had a dream that I had told her I didn’t want to be her friend anymore, and out of anger she had stabbed me with safety pins in the wrist after cornering me. I assume anger maybe.
I also have been getting cases of sleep paralysis that have made it a bit difficult to sleep, but nothing too concerning. Such as my bed shaking, feeling something hold me while I sleep. and not being able to move. It feels like a giant weight on me, it is rather annoying and less scary.
My mind feels foggy, it’s hard to concentrate and I’m also forgetful. Since the beginning of this month mostly. As if I’m not completely here mentally. Also being easily triggered by something small, like something on tv or even a word or phrase, an emotion. It brings back memories I want to forget, but life isn’t always that easy. I’ve managed. The journal has definitely helped me, not as bad as it could be. I’m planning to start up exercise once this rain stops.
I find myself falling into random bouts of crying spells or depression, lasting usually less than an hour, and leaving me curled up in bed usually for that time. My friends have been understanding. It’s been harder to help them with their problems as well. As if it’s hard to absorb what they tell me and it leaves me frustrated to where I once again, cry.
I really would be nothing without them though, seriously. I’m just praying that no one I know in real life will ever find this, which is highly unlikely.