As I lay me down to sleep….
i realize I lay with my demons every night. I lie in their shadows. I cry every night. I hurt the ones I love the most. You’d think I’d be numb from all the pain, but tonight, I realized I caused most of my pain. I push people away. I push them so if the leave, I don’t feel their rejection. But I feel. I feel all of it, everything cuts so deep I feel it in my heart. I’m so sick of people leaving my life is like a revolving door. Everyone leaves and they’re ok. Me? I’m never ok I’m always here stuck in the same spot dealing with every thing. I want to be numb to it all. I was never ok until him. But I hurt him so bad. I wish I can go back in time and undo my mistake. He thinks I lied to him because it was easy, but I lied bc it was hard. I lied because if I admitted to that, I was a victim again and I couldn’t be that I’m sick of that. I’m sick and tired of being the same victim with the same damn stories. I’m ashamed of what I let happen to me. But I can’t take it back. He hates me for it. I hate me for it.
He literally saved me, from me.
He thinks it’s easy to tell a story you’re the main character in.
My mistakes don’t define me. It only breaks me. I’m so fragile. One touch and I will shatter. If he leaves everything I ever known leaves.
Every single wall I built he knocked down. He knows me like no other even if there still is stories of me he doesn’t know.
He’s the first person I’ve been in love with, the first person I made love with, the first person who seen me and not just naked but he seen my soul. He seen past everything that broke me and seeen me as whole.
but he broke me too…..
only thing is, unlike everyone else, he was there to glue me back together and watch me shine through the broken parts.
Even when we lost our child, we didn’t lose that love and as much as I hated him and couldn’t stand the sight of him I held onto that love. Because if I let it go I was left with nothing. Caring my child for the short time I did, made me realize a lot. My whole life I just wanted someone to love me unconditonally. When I saw that positive for the first time, I knew that that was gonna be love I always wanted and needed. I was gonna create someone to always need me and my love and love me back no matter what, and she was going to call me mommy. But just like that, my happiness was gone. She was gone. Now, I didn’t get far enough to even know the sex of the baby, but I had a dream of her. She came to me in a time when I needed her. She would’ve been 7 months.
In my dream, she was laying in a crib smiling kicking her feet and playing with her hands. And I just knew, that was my baby. Alana Angela Garcia.
In that dream her mommy and daddy got to hold her and we were a family. It lasted a second but I will cherish that for an eternity. I will be eternitally crowned as her mother. When I woke from that dream her daddy came back to me. And I still pray and hope he does.
Yet through all that he fell in love with me, for me. He saw beyond that and I saw that in him. I saw someone like me. He was broken too. With burdens of his past. Maybe not as dark as mine but the scars are the same. He tried to never treat me broken. But we both cracked. I just hope we can put the pieces back with out cutting ourselves more…
i just hope we make it through this….
i pray the lord our souls he keeps….. together