As I lay me down to sleep….

i realize I lay with my demons every night. I lie in their shadows. I cry every night. I hurt the ones I love the most.  You’d think I’d be numb from all the pain, but tonight, I realized I caused most of my pain. I push people away. I push them so if the leave, I don’t feel their rejection. But I feel. I feel all of it, everything cuts so deep I feel it in my heart. I’m so sick of people leaving my life is like a revolving door. Everyone leaves and they’re ok. Me? I’m never ok I’m always here stuck in the same spot dealing with every thing. I want to be numb to it all. I was never ok until him. But I hurt him so bad. I wish I can go back in time and undo my mistake. He thinks I lied to him because it was easy, but I lied bc it was hard. I lied because if I admitted to that, I was a victim again and I couldn’t be that I’m sick of that. I’m sick and tired of being the same victim with the same damn stories. I’m ashamed of what I let happen to me. But I can’t take it back. He hates me for it. I hate me for it.

 He literally saved me, from me. 

He thinks it’s easy to tell a story you’re the main character in. 

My mistakes don’t define me. It only breaks me. I’m so fragile. One touch and I will shatter. If he leaves everything I ever known leaves.

Every single wall I built he knocked down. He knows me like no other even if there still is stories of me he doesn’t know.

He’s the first person I’ve been in love with, the first person I made love with, the first person who seen me and not just naked but he seen my soul. He seen past everything that broke me and seeen me as whole.

but he broke me too….. 

only thing is, unlike everyone else, he was there to glue me back together and watch me shine through the broken parts. 

Even when we lost our child, we didn’t lose that love and as much as I hated him and couldn’t stand the sight of him I held onto that love. Because if I let it go I was left with nothing. Caring my child for the short time I did, made me realize a lot. My whole life I just wanted someone to love me unconditonally. When I saw that positive for the first time, I knew that that was gonna be love I always wanted and needed. I was gonna create someone to always need me and my love and love me back no matter what, and she was going to call me mommy. But just like that, my happiness was gone. She was gone. Now, I didn’t get far enough to even know the sex of the baby, but I had a dream of her. She came to me in a time when I needed her. She would’ve been 7 months. 

In my dream, she was laying in a crib smiling kicking her feet and playing with her hands. And I just knew, that was my baby. Alana Angela Garcia. 

In that dream her mommy and daddy got to hold her and we were a family. It lasted a second but I will cherish that for an eternity. I will be eternitally crowned as her mother. When I woke from that dream her daddy  came back to me. And I still pray and hope he does. 

Yet through all that he fell in love with me, for me.  He saw beyond that and I saw that in him. I saw someone like me. He was broken too. With burdens of his past. Maybe not as dark as mine but the scars are the same. He tried to never treat me broken. But we both cracked. I just hope we can put the pieces back with out cutting ourselves more…

i just hope we make it through this…. 

i pray the lord our souls he keeps….. together

5 thoughts on “Prayer.”

  1. I love the dream (sent from God) which you had about your little girl. That was no ordinary dream. It was truly a gift from God. He let you know it was a girl, so you could give her a name. Stay the course, dear one, and one day you will see her in Heaven and know she is yours even though she’ll be older. She loves you now and always will. More importantly, the One who gave her to you, Jesus, loves you and will never forsake you. Life is hard, to be sure, and you’ve had more than your share of pain. But you do have this one shining jewel–Alana. God bless you!

  2. For teedo
    Thank you for your condolences…
    But how do you keep your heart safe without it being hurt in the end anyways ?? Life is a constant let down. But if we don’t let anyone in, we just might be alone. Poetic isn’t it. You put a guard up to risk loss and heart ache only to still have the heartache because you let no one in

  3. For grace
    Thank you for always keeping your spirit up seeing all my painful posts and having something empowering to say . But yes Alana is my Jewel I will take with me everywhere…

  4. For some reason this song keeps coming to me since I read your post. It’s from a child’s hymn. I really feel I’m to share it with you. “Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask you to stay
    close by me forever, and love me I pray. Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care, and fit us for Heaven to live with Thee there.” Hugs!~

  5. This journal post caught my attention. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your experience. I believe that God and your baby Alana were sending you a message, communicating that Alana is in a better place, watching over you. I know that no words can make you feel better or change the circumstance of not having Alana physically with you. But I believe her soul lives on, I believe she is in heaven. That dream was meant to bring you some comfort and peace to your grieving and tremendous lost. No doubt that your cross is feeling very heavy now. You may have read the poem before, whenever I’m going through very hard times, whenever I feel that God is not hearing me and I feel so lost I like to read and reflect on the following:
    “Footprints in the Sand”
    “One night I dreamed a dream.
    As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
    Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
    For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
    One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

    After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
    I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
    I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
    especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
    there was only one set of footprints.

    This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
    “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
    You’d walk with me all the way.
    But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
    there was only one set of footprints.
    I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

    He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
    Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
    When you saw only one set of footprints,
    It was then that I carried you.”

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