Wednesday, January 25th; 2017
I am immobilized in time, I think. Constant disassociation and little to no routine or purpose. I’m realizing that the more I sit in isolation, the more dangerous my thoughts become. I keep having a reoccurring nightmare; that I have a meltdown so severe I end up hurting people and becoming exiled. I say things and do things that result in people close to me getting hurt. Unfortunately…It’s not too far fetched. I’m only getting weaker and angrier as the days go on, and I’m terrified of snapping and pushing everyone out of my life. I have nobody left.
I hate myself. I’m ugly. I’m vile and disgusting. I’m lazy and incompetent. I’m worthless. I am everything I think I am, and even more beyond that. It’s kind of funny in a sad, pathetic way but; I’m too scared to die. But, it’s the thing I want the most. (?) One of my biggest fears is coming true, and I’m watching it all happen right in front of me. I’m becoming my mother. I would rather have the rash, anger fueled, and manipulative behavior of my dad; but be strong. Anything but the cold and sadistic hatred plagued by selfishness and weakness. But this is who I am. Everyone said I always looked just like her.
I don’t even know how to live. I can’t take care of myself. I’m petrified of my future. Sometimes I throw a pity party and mope about the fact that I never had a childhood. And I want one now; but I can’t. I’m nearly 17 and on my own; and the world out there fucking scares me. I just wish the answers would come into life like a fucking fairy god mother or something, anything. A sign? An opportunity? Anything. I just want to be healthy, but that almost seems impossible and unrealistic. Something hundreds of thousands of ‘normal’ people have, and it looks like a miracle, God sent from my point of view. It’s just the world is going to shit and… I don’t want to be here to see it. I’m thankful for all of the privileges I have; I’m grateful everyday for them. But I just don’t want to suffer anymore. I’m just not….strong anymore.