For the first time in 8 months i have hope. Hope that my physical being can return to some sense of normalcy. Today was a day that for me was unusual. i was told that i would need surgery and for me that was a great thing. i finally had answers as to what was wrong with the way i was “healing” after my first surgery. the “complications” turned into a “failure” of sorts.
let me explain that, what my first surgeon did was not wrong. he only did what he knew, and for that i am grateful, but what i am upset about is that as soon as we told him there was something wrong the only reaction we got from him was “you signed the paperwork about this. you knew this could happen.”
after 8 months i finally get to see another professional about my injury and after she looked at it a heard words that i was starting to think i would never hear. “I know what’s wrong and i can fix you.” while she did say that it was not 100% she said that 1.) in the three years she had done this operation she only had one “problem” in that that patient was healing slower than other before them 2.) that at the very, very, very worst my pain level would be the same as what they are now. I have nothing to lose.
once i heard that i started crying. my mom asked why i was and my response was. “We have answers. I might be normal again.” after i said that i could feel her heart break inside. now all that’s left is to schedule the surgery and go from there. i am joyous that i have answers finally after tortuously being pained for 8 months, but i am terrified by the thought of another surgery. the one thing that keeps me calm is knowing that my mother will be with me every step of the way.
I need to be strong for her. i would do anything for her. she hates the fact that all of this happened and that everyday i am miserable, she blames herself for it all and it kills me inside. seeing her painning herself like that hurts so i try to put a brave face best as i can but some days are harder than others. i am happy she is starting to lighten up on herself now that she knows there is hope.