I’ve been staying up lately watching some drama, the episodes are almost an hour an each, so I spent probably most of yesterday, and early, EARLY morning, doing nothing but watching some cheap melodrama. I must admit that it wasn’t actually that bad, but seriously who reacts that way? I guess that’s why it’s called a melodrama, melodramatic. Sadly it was in another language, so last night when I turned it off to go to sleep with some usual comedy show on TV, it started to sound like it was in that language. Just weird. Sometimes I dream in Spanish too, must be since I used to take classes in it. It’s unintelligible though, sadly. Probably words I memorized but have no Idea what they mean.
One of the characters on the show is a bit of a mooch and has expensive taste, and she often uses men to get what she wants. It just reminds me of the gifts I get sometimes, and what my mother says about them. Sure, it’s not very expensive, but still. I feel so guilty, and they get me all excited, and they know that since I’ve told them that MANY times. I feel like one of them spoils me too much. Sometimes I wonder if they like to screw with me. They might like me, but they are aware I’m not going to go for them just because of their money, so it’s not that. I have asked many times why they do it, and I always get the same answer. I’ve been offered dinner or gifts by other men, but I’ve always turned it down since I feel a bit guilty. Also, I won’t accept anything from anyone unless I have known them for at least a year and a half, or maybe one year. I also begin to look easy if I accept from anyone.
My mother says I must do something to get them to do it. Referring to giving “favors” to them. I feel a bit upset she would even suggest that to me, considering she was the one who raised me. I don’t say she was doing it to be mean, just that it shows that she doesn’t understand who I am. My morals or values are nonexistent in her mind.
She told me I shouldn’t use them or make them feel sorry for me in exchange for gifts. She didn’t just suggest it, she just assumed it was the case. I forgive her, but still. I have higher standards then she realizes. I wouldn’t sleep with people or offer them myself so mindlessly. I’m better than that. Just makes me upset. If she truly knew me, she would know I would never do those things. I care for all of them, and I’ve know these people for two years, one I used to date.
Is it bad I do like clothes and shoes and makeup and jewelry? She knows that’s how I am, even-though the gifts are something silly or sweet, like candy, cards, and on occasion a game. They say they like me is all, makes them happy to spend money on me since they don’t have anyone to spend it on. Maybe they like to boost their ego? I’ve already singled on any risk factors beforehand. It’s not as if they are more than friends, and they are aware of that(painfully aware).
I do like shoes, clothing, things like that. It makes me feel pretty beautiful for once. I think they understand that, even-though they say I’m perfect the way I am. I never beg and I don’t think I’m a mooch, I certainly don’t want to be like that, ever.