More Issues

It’s a matter of reliability and dependency. At when do you draw the line between those sectors? How do you know when you’re being overbearing, or do you just think that someone isn’t listening. 

Here’s my issue. I’m not thinking that my SO is quite that reliable. He says things that he’s going to do but then turns out not to do them. Do I just have a knack for running into guys that always “have something come up”? 

The last one that I dated made up plenty of excuses. He was married when we met, and I was taken on a third within their partnership. His wife and he had an open marriage. I was fine with this. But through the few months that we spent together, the relationship between he and his wife was falling apart, wherein he told me later on that he had fallen in love with me. I told him, before I left for South America for a year, that if he was serious, he had until I came back to make it a reality. That would give him a year to get the divorce or solve things with his life. 
I came back, after keeping in touch the entire time, but he had done nothing. Even then I had given him more time, listening to his sad story about how he almost ended up in jail, his money troubles, and other various woes that spoke to the little one in me that believed in fairy tales. I waited longer, but still nothing, until finally. I told him that I was moving on. I had given him several chances to do what was needed and he did nothing. He had two years. TWO YEARS to make “Us” possible, but nothing. Nothing but words. Nothing but empty promises that left me in a trail of distrust. I had to let him go. And even then, there are still times where he pops into my mind. It wasn’t until after I had left him that he managed to get the divorce, texting me a photo of the court document saying, “I wasn’t lying. You’re still always on my mind.” But I couldn’t back out now. I was with someone else, and even then, how would that work? How would any of that work? Clearly, all that you have are words to manipulate me with and nothing more. No action. Nothing. 

Now I see something similar with the current man I am with. He says he will do things, but something always manages to get in the way. 
We were supposed to hang out on Saturday even to visit his parents, but then I don’t hear from him all day Saturday, despite my texts to him asking wtf. I eventually get something back around 3 hours after the first text telling me that something happened and that he would tell me later. 
You couldn’t take 5 seconds out of your day to let me know that something happened and we won’t be getting together as planned? You really honestly were “getting so fucked” that you couldn’t take the time to let me know that was happening? Not even an apology? I get some weird defence that when he met up with his family, he got shanghaied into helping with yard work despite his being sick with some sort of fever he’s said he has had since then. “Just know that if you think you’re getting fucked, then I’m really getting fucked.” What the hell kind of response is that to a simple request of letting me know what’s happening so my anxiety doesn’t go through the roof wondering what the actual hell you’re doing or what’s happened to you? Notice how when we got into that last spat, I told you I was sorry for what I sent and that it was out of line. What pardons you from the same thing?! This what a relationship is, isn’t it? I tell you when I don’t plan on coming around. I tell you when I have something else happening. I tell you what my schedule looks like. I tell you what’s happening if I’m running late. There was no way you could take 5-10 seconds from working in that yard to let me know what was happening and that you would not be seeing me today? Hell, even a “plans changed for today. I’ll call in a few hours.” or something to that effect would have been satisfactory. I could have done other things with my day. Now you have me thinking that you’re doing this tit for tat business because of what we talked about last time! I’m not trying to fight with you; I’m not trying to control you; What I’m doing is trying to communicate. I’m trying to get a sense of what’s going on in your world so I can figure out what to do in mine. I’m trying to carve out time for you and I can’t cancel everything just to wait on you! I can’t do it! And now I’m feeling angry about all this because I am feeling ignored and disrespected. You have said twice now when you’ve been hammered that you’re in love with me: PROVE IT. With my last experience with words, you can see why I don’t really listen to many of them anymore. 

But then this brings about my next round of personal contradictions. I am a writer by trade, yet I find that most people’s spoken words are useless and empty. I want to hear him say, “I love you” while sober, yet here I am discounting such things as my distrustful nature takes over. I listen to people when they made a promise or say they’re going to do something, placing faith and stock in those words, and then become disappointed when they lack follow through. If I have such little faith in words, then why would they matter at all? 

I’m a silly boy with a silly flower with a silly dream. I’m a fool for empty promises and false words. I am a fan of alternative facts. 

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